tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61513006416933621752024-03-13T05:15:48.851-07:00The Long and Winding Road....to Parenthoodkerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-42312084516762826512015-09-13T21:17:00.000-07:002015-09-14T07:12:59.198-07:00Nine months<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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About a month ago, a woman in my IP group posted the following, "Grateful Monday. He has officially been home longer than he was with anyone else. 9 months old last week! " Until I read that, it never occurred to me that Jaden's nine month birthday would be a special milestone. Here we are though. Jaden is nine and a half months old. I am so grateful that Ellen took care of him his first nine months in utero and even more grateful that Jason and I have been able to take care of him his first nine months outside of the womb. What an incredible nine months it has been!<br>
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People often ask me if I ever see Ellen now, or if she ever gets to see Jaden. That question seems absurd to me, but I suppose there are plenty of surrogates and IPs who don't have a relationship post-birth. Some just keep in touch via Facebook or text picture updates on birthdays. Thankfully, that isn't the case for Ellen and I. Our friendship has only grown deeper since Jaden's birth. Here are just a few snapshots of the times we have spent together in the past nine months.<br>
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Ellen comes to visit. Jaden is four days old.</div>
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Ellen acting as<a href="https://www.circumcision.net/ceremony/honorees-at-a-bris"> kvatterin</a> at Jaden's Bris. He is eight days old. <br>
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Visit to Ellen's house to help trim the Christmas tree. Jaden is two weeks old.<br>
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My birthday- Jaden is three weeks old.<br>
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Ellen and Chris come to visit. Jaden is learning to smile at five weeks old.<br>
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Ellen and the girls come to visit. Jaden is six weeks.</div>
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Jaden's first sleepover at Ellen's. He is two months old.<br>
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Girls weekend in Chicago. Jaden is three and a half months old (but he's at home with daddy).<br>
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Family gathering at Ellen's parents. Jaden is four months old.<br>
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Second sleepover at Ellen's. Jaden is almost six months old.<br>
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Hanging with Ellen's oldest at our house. He is almost eight months old.<br>
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With Ellen's oldest and Chris last weekend. Jaden is nine months old. </div>
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I'm so excited to continue making memories with Ellen and her family! </div>
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-76354383667077299672015-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:002015-05-10T08:51:07.309-07:00Mixed Feelings on Mother's DayToday is Mother's Day. I am finally a mom. After nearly five years of failed cycles, lost heartbeats and crushed dreams I finally have the most adorable little son that I can spend Mother's Day with and call my own. I should be overjoyed, right? Then why aren't I? All week I've had such mixed emotions- happiness for sure, relief, but also a sadness that blankets everything. I told Jason last night that I think I am sad for all the people I know who are still trying to become moms. People I "know" from the FB boards that I am part of, and people I know in real life. I know what today is like for them. Infertility is something you live with every day but on this day- when the very thing you long for, hurt for, mourn for is being celebrated by EVERYONE- the pictures, sentiments, and thank yous given for something you may never experience-it stings. After year two, I learned to just avoid FB on this day. Now that I can finally join in on the celebration- I find myself still wanting to avoid FB. I certainly don't want to contribute to their pain with my own "look at me and my beautiful family" post but I also don't want to go there because I still hurt.<br />
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This morning as I woke to got to the bathroom around 5am, I saw that my little guy was stirring. Before I went to retrieve him, I checked FB as is my habit (figuring it was probably to early for the barrage of Mother's Day FB posts so still safe) and I saw a post from <a href="http://www.ourmisconception.com/surviving-infertility-in-a-fertile-world-on-mothers-day/">Our Misconception</a> by Candace Wohl that really resonated with me. She too was experiencing a myriad of emotions on her first Mother's Day. Here is a snippet of what she wrote that really hit home:<br />
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<i>But for some reason, amidst this joy and what should be the end of
the story, I hurt. I have an emptiness. Perhaps it is the scars I bare
that remind me pregnancy was and will never be part of what has made me a
mother.
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<i><b>I am standing in the middle of the road with one foot on one
side of the line for what will always be my infertility diagnosis and
the other foot on side of the fertile ground of motherhood.</b></i><br />
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<i>Someone really put my melting pot of thoughts and “feels” into the
right words last night. She said I was surviving infertility in a
fertile world. Yes, yes I am.</i><br />
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<i>I feel guilty.</i></div>
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<i>I feel blessed.</i></div>
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<i>I feel angry.</i></div>
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<i>I feel overwhelming joy.</i></div>
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<i>I feel sorrow for others.</i></div>
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<i>I still feel infertile.</i></div>
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So yes, while there is a big part of me that is experiencing Survivors Guilt- wrestling with feelings of guilt for having survived/achieved something others have not- Candace's post helped me to see that I'm also struggling with still feeling infertile. Yes, I have my baby. But it was not an easy road getting him here. And if I want another one, as so many have asked and as Jason and I ask ourselves either out loud or in our heads daily, it still won't be easy. Mother Nature reminded me of what a bitch she can be when she decided to have my period show up a week early last night. Because after all, why not throw in some hormones to make me extra emotional during this confusing time?</div>
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After early morning feedings, I can usually put Jaden back down for an hour or two and go back to sleep myself. I really wanted to do that this morning, because I knew I needed to write about my feelings after reading that post. I've been struggling all week about what to say and finally got some clarity. I started to write and got maybe three sentences in when I heard the adorable "Ah-gee, ah-gee" cooing that Jaden does. And my heart melted. I brought him in our room for a few minutes and then tried putting him back down. Once again, his cooing made it clear that he wasn't going back to sleep. Now I think that bitch Mother Nature was winking at me through him. Reminding me that this is no time to be feeling sad. Reminding me that even though I didn't get to carry him in my belly, I get to carry him now. I get to see his little face light up whenever he sees me and I get to be his mother.<br />
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On this day moving forward, I won't forget for whom this day is painful. I won't forget those who long to be mothers, nor those who had to use the help of doctors to become mothers. I won't forget those who needed the help of generous women either through adoption or surrogacy to become mothers. I won't forget those in pain because they lost their mothers or those who have a strained relationship with their mothers. This is a day to honor them all.<br />
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Yet I will also remember that I am lucky and blessed to be a mother to Jaden- a boy with a smile that lights up a room and a sweet and gentle spirit that warms my heart every day. <br />
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<br />kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-68599528456990086132015-03-04T06:45:00.000-08:002015-03-04T06:45:06.128-08:00Full CircleIiU In the last couple of weeks I've really had some full circle moments. It started with a trip to our fertility clinic to introduce Jaden to Dr. Toledo. It was pretty surreal going back to RBA- a place we had frequented far too often since December of 2011 (though we had been hanging out in fertility clinic waiting rooms since October of 2010). There are a series of feelings that you experience in that waiting room- it starts out with hope and excitement and then moves on to confusion, anxiety, despair, desperation, anger, and sadness. The more hours you log in the waiting room chair, the less hope and excitement you feel. The more those other feelings take over and start to consume you. Those feelings were my normal for the better part of the past four years. Returning to the fertility clinic this time I felt a whole new range of emotions- joy, pride, happiness...and relief. My new normal. And boy did it feel good.<br />
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We scheduled our visit with Dr. Toledo during Ellen's winter break because we really wanted her to be there too. We also scheduled it during the clinic's lunch hour, so were quite surprised to see the waiting room was full. We were careful to remain in the hallway just outside the clinic's entryway. I wasn't about to go flaunting my baby in front of all those longing couples in the waiting room.<br />
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It was wonderful seeing Dr. Toledo- someone who had experienced so many ups, and mostly downs with us over the years. On more than one occasion, I had fallen apart in Dr. Toledo's arms after hearing bad news. What a full circle moment it was to now see him cradling my baby in those same arms! It was really special that Dr. Toledo wanted to hold him. He told him Jaden how much he was loved and how hard we had worked to get him here. It warmed my heart.<br />
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And here is another full circle moment:</div>
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From this...</div>
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To this...</div>
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Just a few days after that visit I had another full circle moment. Remember that birthday party for my dear friend's two year old twins that I wrote about<a href="http://jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014_03_01_archive.html"> here</a>? Last year I left that party in tears. This year for their three year old birthday, I arrived with my three month old! </div>
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Finally, yesterday was a special day too. Chris and Jason went out of town for the evening for a boy's night so Ellen and her girls and Jaden and I decided to get together. It was just over a year ago that I met her girls for the first time. We went to the zoo and back then, they just knew me as mom's new friend. I remember being so taken by all the <a href="http://jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014/04/zooborns.html">newborns at the zoo</a>, hoping and praying that it was foreshadowing. I guess it was because this weekend we went back to the zoo- with my own newborn! </div>
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-28045123020258407832015-01-12T08:13:00.000-08:002015-01-12T08:13:33.290-08:00What a Difference a Year Makes<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">It was exactly a year today, January 12, 2014,
that Chris and I first met Kerri & Jason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I remember being a ball of nerves on the way to meet them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back, I knew in my gut that they
would be the perfect match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew it
from the very first conversations that Kerri and I had through Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meeting them solidified those feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And here we are today...we went from
strangers to friends to family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Kerri posted her thoughts on the birth of Jaden, and I
thought I would share some of mine as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That same ball of nerves I had on the way to meet Kerri & Jason for
the first time was even bigger on the way to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were induced, so I think knowing that this
was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the </i>day intensified those
feelings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As nervous as I was, I couldn’t
help but think about Kerri & Jason and how they must have felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything they had worked for the last 4
years plus was finally coming to fruition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Having your own baby is the best thing in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or so I thought until I was a surrogate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having someone else’s baby for them trumps it
a million percent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being there, in that
moment, is almost indescribable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kerri
had warned me many times that she gets extra chatty when she’s nervous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her and Jason that they would know
when it was getting close to baby time because I would stop talking and get in
the zone, so to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My other signs of
impending baby crowning (aka holy hell, get this thing out of me!) are me
asking for drugs (I don’t really mean it) and saying I can’t do it (like I have
a choice at that time).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Disclaimer – I
am not anti-epidural or anti pain meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am pro women doing whatever works best for them and their baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am also, according to the nurse and most
other women I know <s>stupid</s> crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless
to say, I did ask for meds (which I didn’t really want or get) and I also said
I couldn’t do it, but I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like
that, it was go time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kerri was holding
one leg, Chris the other, and Jason was very diplomatically at my head behind
Chris until both he and I basically forced Jason down by Dr. Ramani.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seeing the birth of your child is a
miraculous thing, and no way was Jason going to miss out on that on my
watch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">The mood in the room was excited, nervous, and beyond
happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was euphoric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Jaden was born and Dr. Ramani placed him
on my belly, seeing Kerri see her baby for the first time was breath taking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The years of anticipation, heart ache, loss,
worry, and sadness were replaced in that single second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This child that she and Jason yearned for so
desperately was here, and he was perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Don’t get me wrong, the birth of my three girls are three of
the best days and times of my life, but being lucky enough to help create
another family and witness the sheer joy and love that having Jaden brought to
Kerri & Jason ranks right up there with my own births.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Anyone involved with surrogacy will mostly likely claim that
there is no such thing as a “perfect journey.” I whole heartedly disagree,
because from second one, this journey was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not that is was 100% easy and worry free, but it was perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This last year I have heard many people say
that Kerri and Jason were lucky to have me, but it’s simply not true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the lucky one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucky to have a husband, children, family,
and friends who support me 100%.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucky
to have Kerri & Jason as not just IPs, but as friends and family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucky to have their extended families and friends
welcome me and my family with open arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lucky to witness the pure love, kindness, caring, generosity, faith, and
perseverance of Kerri & Jason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep,
I’m the lucky one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Ellenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11745896412231613965noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-87567378329167795272015-01-08T13:08:00.001-08:002015-01-09T10:48:03.085-08:00The First 48<i><b>Editors note: I really did start writing this post during the first 48 hours after he was born. However, five weeks later I'm finally getting around to finishing it. This motherhood thing sure keeps me busy!</b></i> <br>
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Well, we didn't have to make a decision about whether or not to blow $450 on the <strike>four star hotel room</strike> hospital room because as it turned out, Labor and Delivery and Mother and Baby floors were both packed beyond capacity. Thankfully, despite the hospital policy that wouldn't allow us to bunk up with Ellen, no one seemed to mind that Jason and I both slept there. By slept I mean napped That's about all you can do the first 24 hours of a newborns life.<br>
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Jaden was born at 3:13 PM. Following his birth, after all the visitors left, they took Jaden to the nursery to give him a bath and Jason and I accompanied him. It was interesting surveying all the other babies in the nursery. Most of them were a lot bigger than our little guy. And noisier! One of the babies was crying non-stop. They told us that would probably start on Day 2. Thankfully, that non-stop crying hasn't started yet.<br>
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After his bath, Jason and I spent some time in a separate room feeding him. It was really surreal and special to have that alone time with him. The room was dim and it was just us and this sweet baby. Finally.<br>
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After feeding time, we headed back to Ellen's room. We felt a little bad about crashing with her, but I think she was happy that we joined her. Come to think of it, I think it was really the best thing for all of us. I know she was exhausted and would have liked to have gotten some sleep, but I bet she was also feeling lonely. Her husband and kids were at home and I'm sure it would have been hard being alone in that room, not pregnant anymore, and not with the baby she had just carried for nine months. And it would have been strange for us not to be with the woman who just had just given us this gift.<br>
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The night itself went pretty well, except for one minor detail. You know how they tell you not to bring newborns out in public/around sick people because they have not yet had their vaccinations so are more susceptible to illness? Well, what do you do when that sick person is the baby's mom?!? That's right folks, I never get sick. And yet the day my son was born- the son I've been waiting to meet for nearly five years- I started coming down with something. I knew I wasn't feeling well when they started to induce Ellen so sent my mother-in-law out for some Emergen-C. By the evening, I was feeling pretty lousy and borrowed one of the thermometers in Jaden's bassinet. Sure enough, I had a 101.4 fever. Ugh. <br>
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Jason was very protective of Jaden and didn't want my germ-infested self handling him. I was so tired that first night that I was okay with Jason taking the late night feedings (every three hours). What I didn't know until a later date was Jason was so worried/in awe of Jaden that he set his alarm to wake up every hour to check on him! So cute/neurotic! When day two rolled around I was less pleased with Jason's insistence that I not hold my baby. We compromised by asking the nurse for some masks. This is how I spent the next 24 hours with the baby. Notice my glare. That's me being really unhappy about the whole mask thing.<br>
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The morning after the delivery, Chris came to pick up Ellen and they headed home while Jason and I waited for the doctor to discharge us. We had to wait for his blood work to come back to make sure he wasn't jaundiced and were able to leave just shy of 24 hours after his birth. It was really crazy to think that we would be on our own with this newborn but thankfully, we had hired a <a href="http://atlantajewishtimes.com/2014/10/bringing-home-baby/">post-partum doula, Penny,</a> to come to the house the following day. A friend of ours recommended her services and we couldn't have been more pleased. Before we even left the hospital she emailed me a list of instructions including when to feed, nap and do tummy time. She encouraged us to have him sleep in the crib from night one, claiming we wouldn't sleep if the baby was in our room. Jason was not on board with that (probably, in part because he has literally slept through our burglar alarm in the past) so we put Jaden in a bassinet next to our bed. For the first night anyway.<br>
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Penny was right- the baby kept me awake. He would make noises throughout the night and though he was still sleeping, it kept me awake (as suspected Jason slept right through it). That first sleepless night I used the time wisely. Penny had also suggested that we watch "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp, MD. I had the book and had skimmed it a while back, but around 2AM, I decided to download the video on my Ipad. Watching the video when I actually had a real live baby was really helpful. Not only did it provide visual demonstrations for important things like how to swaddle (the DUDU method- Down, Up, Down Up) but it was also really comforting. You see, Dr. Karp has a theory about the first three months of a newborns life, in which they really do little else but eat, sleep and poop. He calls the first three months of a babies life the 4th trimester. He basically suggests that, unlike baby horses, who are able to walk and even run minutes after they are born, newborns are still quite immature and are really much like fetuses. They would really benefit from a 4th trimester in the womb in order to continuing developing but there simply isn't enough room in there. So Dr. Karp encourages parents to essentially recreate the womb for the first three months of the baby's life and gives instructions and examples of the ways to do that<a href="http://www.happiestbaby.com/5-ss-system-may-help-colic-symptoms/"> (namely the five S's - Shushing, Swaddling, Side/Stomach, Sucking, and Swinging</a>). THIS WAS HUGE NEWS FOR ME- and really for any intended or even adoptive parent out there. You see, since I have a crappy uterus, I had to outsource Jaden's womb. I never got to provide that nourishment and comfort that Ellen gave him for the first nine months of his life. <i>But now, I get to be his womb!</i> <br>
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So on this very first night that my new baby was home, I had a wonderful light bulb epiphany. I couldn't wait to get Jaden into his nursery*, where we had the all important white-noise machine (which recreates the loud slosshing and heartbeat sounds that Jaden heard in Ellen's uterus). I couldn't wait to perfect the swaddle, so he could feel that tight comforting snugness that he felt in the womb. I couldn't wait to give him his pacifier so he could turn on his calming reflex. It was my turn to be his womb and I couldn't wait! My new mission to provide the same comfort Jaden experienced in the womb was comforting to me as well.<br>
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*he has slept in the nursery the second night he was home and every night since! </div>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-74601206755945942182014-12-21T18:46:00.000-08:002014-12-22T11:06:10.213-08:00Get a room!I had a lot of anxiety leading up to Jaden's birth, not just about how how the delivery would go, but about how things would go <i>after</i> the delivery. Much of it was logistical. We didn't know up until the day of whether or not Jason and I would have a room following the delivery. <br>
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In typical delivery situations, the baby rooms with the mother. In typical delivery situations, the mother is the one delivering the baby. So, since our situation was anything but typical, we weren't sure what that meant for Jason and I. We were hopeful that the PBO we had in place would help.<br>
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At around 20 weeks gestation,with the help of our attorney Jason and I petitioned the court for a PBO or a<a href="http://foryourlife.com/what-we-do/surrogacy/pre-birth-order/"> Pre-Birth Order</a>. A PBO is a court order signed by a judge establishing parentage of an expected child when the woman giving birth to the child is not genetically related to the child. The law assumes that a woman who gives birth to a child is the genetic mother of the child; if she is married her husband is presumed to be the father of the child. Invariably, the presumption about the husband being the father of the child has in some cases been wrong (when there's another baby daddy), but until recently, it was never wrong about the mother. Enter modern science. With the advent of surrogacy, some states (including Georgia) began the practice of utilizing Pre-Birth Orders to address this issue. The fee for obtaining a PBO in Atlanta varies anywhere from $2600 to $5000. While the surrogate can waive her right to an attorney for the contract phase of surrogacy, it is mandatory that she has an attorney for the PBO in order to ensure that she is not being coerced into signing the petition. The Intended Parents are responsible for the surros attorney's fees as well, usually amounting to around $750. What happens if you don't live in a surro-friendly state that grants PBO's? You obtain a post-birth order, or in some cases, adopt your baby. This makes the hospital situation trickier. If the PBO is granted (thankfully it typically is), the hospital is ordered to put the names of the genetic parents (Jason and I) on the birth certificate. Additionally, the court order states that Jason and I are to make all medical decisions for the child once he is born.<br>
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In theory, having a PBO in hand should have made the hospital situation pretty seemless. With Jason and I being recognized as biological parents, we would both be given hospital security bands which allows us all access to our baby. We also hoped that we would be given a hospital room following his delivery. When Ellen was around 30 weeks pregnant, I called the hospital to see if this was possible. I was initially told it would depend on the hospital census, but later told that we wouldn't be able to get a room regardless of the census since hospital rooms are only given to patients. We asked if we could stay in Ellen's room with her, since she is technically the patient. They told us only one person was permitted to stay the night in Ellen's room. The Charge Nurse that headed up the Mother and Baby floor did say that there is a special "Family Room" that she has designated for families of patients who need to stay the night and told us we were welcome to stay there. She said it isn't technically a hospital room but should be sufficient. We were still hopeful the PBO would help get us a room, but grateful that there was at least a back up option in place. <br>
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The three of us decided it would probably be best to go to the hospital to introduce ourselves and speak to the powers-that-be (in this case, we started with the charge nurses). We also wanted to check out the "Family Room" in case we did end up having to stay there. Unfortunately, the "Family Room" was less than ideal. The room was quite small and just had a chair and a bench in it. No bed. No bathroom. Not even really room for a bed. After seeing the room and my clear disappointment, Ellen told us not to worry- we could just bunk up with her if we couldn't get our own hospital room. We asked the Charge Nurse about this and were once again told only one person was permitted to stay the night in Ellen's room. Hospital policy. We were also informed that once the baby is born he is given four security bands. Two of the bands would go on each of the baby's ankles, one would go to Ellen, and the final one would go to whichever one of us Ellen chose. We explained that Jason and I both should be given bands but they insisted since Ellen is giving birth to the baby, the baby goes with her. No way around it. Hospital policy. Okay, we said. Well then can we get additional bands so that Jason and I can both have a band? No dice. They only come in sets of four. The nurses we spoke to were quite nice, but it was clear that they were not familiar with surrogacy and weren't sure how to bend hospital policy to accommodate our situation.<br>
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With PBO in hand, we eventually asked to speak to the Director of Nursing. We explained that we know our situation is unique but surely there must be a way around hospital policy. She assured us that she is familiar with surrogacy but still insisted that Ellen gets the security band because she is the "birth mother". Birth mother? Um....this is not an adoption. The Director must have seen the look of discontent on my face in reaction to her choice of words so she corrected herself. "She's not the birth mother. She's the....vessel...giving birth". Vessel?? She told us that we need not worry though, because even if Jason didn't have an arm band, it would be communicated to the staff that he was the biological father and would be given all access to the baby. The hospital isn't that big, she told us. It would be fine. <br>
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This didn't sit well with us so when I got home I immediately contacted our attorney. We have an incredible relationship with our surrogate but there are some surrogacy journeys that don't go as well as ours. In fact, I have heard of cases where there is such a breakdown in the relationship that the surrogate and Intended Parents don't speak at all and only receive updates about the pregnancy from their attorney. If our situation was like that, we certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with our surrogate having armband access to our baby while one of us was denied this access. After several emails, phone calls and weeks of waiting, our attorney spoke with hospital counsel and got the security band situation straightened out. Jason and I would both be given armbands. Ellen would not receive a band.<br>
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As for the room? We were told that we still wouldn't be given a room but, if there was a room available, we would be given the opportunity to purchase a room for $450. This wasn't exorbitant, but was no steal either. We figured we would just make a game-day decision and see how we felt, and packed an airbed and a sleeping bag just in case. <br>
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Stay tuned for the next blog post to see what we ended up deciding...kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-69492702724229866222014-12-15T14:40:00.001-08:002014-12-15T14:40:42.584-08:00How Jaden Came To Be.....This is the story of how Jaden came to be...
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="243" id="vp18RIeN" src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/embed.animoto.com/play.html?w=swf/production/vp1&e=1418682886&f=8RIeN7sgBhyjFybzWmMgZQ&d=0&m=p&r=360p+480p&volume=100&start_res=360p&i=m&asset_domain=s3-p.animoto.com&animoto_domain=animoto.com&options=" title="Video Player" width="432"></iframe>kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-36351140205151147182014-12-06T20:11:00.001-08:002014-12-07T07:25:22.335-08:00#Jadenwatch2014 or Our Surrogacy Birth Story Little man has been here just over 72 hours (well now more like 120 hours- its hard to get things done with a newborn!) so I wanted to get down his birth story while its still fresh in my mind.<br />
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#Jadenwatch2014 (hashtag complements of my friend Mary) started about two weeks ago when Ellen was already dilated to 3cm at 37 weeks 4 days. The OB scheduled the induction initially for Black Friday but then switched it to the Monday after Thanksgiving since staffing would be better following the holiday. Two different OB's told us they doubted we would make it to the induction so we had our hospital bags packed and were on high alert all week. My parents came in town Thanksgiving day and joined us on #Jadenwatch2014. We all thought it would be pretty fitting if he came during the Florida/Florida State game but Jaden had other plans and decided to stay put until the induction.<br />
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We arrived at the hospital Monday at 8am. Since Ellen was positive for Group B Strep she needed to get IV antibiotics in order to prevent passing anything to the baby. We were hoping she would have time to get two doses in, as at our last OB appointment on Wednesday the doctor told us the baby would have to stay in the hospital 48 hours if she didn't get both doses. Given that this was Ellen's fifth pregnancy, the doctor doubted she would have time for both and predicted the baby would be here by noon. Thankfully, that didn't turn out to be the case.<br />
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My parents and Jason's mother set up camp in the waiting room while Ellen, Chris, Jason and I headed to the Labor and Delivery Room. Ellen's mother joined the other parents soon after. Our nurse Meg was really amazing. She had donated her eggs twice before so was very familiar with the process of IVF as well as the struggles so many go through to create a family. She asked me for my birth plan so she could understand my desires and assured me that she would help make sure my wishes were respected. She even read the instruction manual for my skin-to-skin shirt and told me she would help me get him situated in it. It felt really nice to have her support, especially since I felt slightly crazy wearing that shirt. <br />
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Ellen got hooked up to the monitors and the nurse explained that the top lines measured the baby's heartbeat and the bottom measured contractions. Contractions were minimal when we arrived. They had to special order Ellen's antibiotics so they didn't start her first dose until around 10:30 AM. Ellen was hoping the doctor would break her water and allow her to walk the halls in lieu of starting the pitocin (aka "the devil" in Ellen's eyes) but the doctor opted to just start her on a tiny dose of pitocin along with the antibiotics. After about an hour there was very little movement, so Meg said she was going to ask Dr. Ramani to break her water. We had to wait a while since the doctor was in a C-section (Chris almost took matters into his own hands when he found the "poker") so it was about 12:30 when her water was finally broken. We all gave a sigh of relief when we saw the water was clear (which meant no meconium) . Meg bumped up the pitocin shortly after in the hopes that this would speed thing up. She told us she had a woman next door who was also dilated the same amount. This was good motivation for Ellen, who is as competitive as Jason and I. "Oh, we are so going to be first, Ellen said. About an hour later, she bumped up the pitocin again and around 2:00 the strong contractions started kicking in. The nurse checked Ellen and she was dilated to about a seven.<br />
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I probably should mention that Ellen opted not to get an epidural. She has never had one- apparently for Ellen, the idea of not being able to feel below her legs is worse than the excruciating pain that comes with labor. By this time, the charge nurse Kenna had joined us since Meg was next door tending to the other delivery (she was still behind us, and she was already on her second epidural) I asked Kenna how many women don't get epidurals and she replied "On purpose? Maybe five percent". I was pretty surprised by that number and Ellen was too- she didn't realize she was in such a minority. I'm not sure how Ellen feels about it, but in retrospect, I think that her decision not to get an epidural actually enhanced the birth experience for me. It was undoubtedly difficult to watch someone I love and care about be in so much pain, but it really made me appreciate her even more (as if that was even possible). And the fact that she was going through this pain for me, for us, for our baby...<br />
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Around 2:30, I could tell by Ellen's face and lack of ability to talk that she was in immense pain so asked if the nurse would check her dilation again. The nurse said they don't like to check too often as this can promote bacteria but felt like Ellen would know when it was time. Really?!? You don't want to try something a little more scientific than a feeling? The nurse was about to leave the room when Ellen said "If I'm still a seven, I'm gonna need that epidural". Thankfully the nurse checked again because the next thing you know, she asked Chris to hold one of her legs and had me hold the other. Jason initially stood by Chris near Ellen's head and then kind of floated between Chris and I, still remaining by her head. Ellen was clearly in a lot of pain and I heard the nurse say, "This is the part where most patients give up and feel like they can't do it but you are really close. I know that you can do it". Really close? My heart was beating a mile a minute. I mouthed to Jason "Where's the doctor?"<br />
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No sooner did I say that then the doctor arrived and instructed Ellen to lift her legs higher and begin pushing. Still holding her leg, I was standing on my tippy-toes trying to brace myself against the weight of her push. I told someone I was on my tippy-toes and they brought me a stool, which was a relief. I remember thinking I didn't have the strength to keep holding her leg and it would have been terribly embarrassing if I gave up before Ellen did. Ellen pushed just three times and during the last push, at 3:17 PM, we were instructed to go watch our son being born. Jason was always a bit reluctant about doing that- I think most men are uncomfortable about that with their own wives, never mind someone else wife. All that discomfort went out the window when, mid-push, Ellen looked at Jason and said "Get down there!".<br />
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I cannot adequately describe what that felt like. It was truly surreal. When I first saw the crowning I was in shock. His head was itty-bitty- like a kewpie doll- and I was like- oh my god, he really is a tiny baby! As more of his head came out I saw that it wasn't quite as small as I initially thought. He was small, but he was amazing. Dr. Ramani pulled him out and placed him on Ellen's stomach and you know what? I didn't even care. I think it was probably just habit for the doctor to lay the baby on the woman and when he realized what he did, he looked back at me like "Oh crap- I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?" I just said "It's okay, it's okay" with tears streaming down my face, then went to Ellen and said "He deserves to go on you first because of all that". He was just on her for a few seconds- they clamped the cord, Jason cut it, and then the NICU team whisked him away.<br />
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They began examining him while Jason and I looked on. He was crying, which is a good sign, but I guess his breathing was a bit coarse. They said this was because he came so quick and didn't have time for his lungs to get cleared in the birth canal. They spent several minutes, which felt like hours, attempting to clear his passageways by sticking a tube up his nose and down his throat and using the bulb in his mouth and nose. They were all business and it was pretty scary. I finally asked if he was okay and if he failed his APGAR, and they assured me that he got a 9 and an 8 and was just fine.<br />
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Finally, they let us have him and the nurse helped me into my Nuroo shirt. As soon as he was all nestled up inside of the shirt, skin-to-skin, I no longer felt crazy for wearing it. I just felt like mom. At last.<br />
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EDITOR'S NOTE: If you are reading this on your phone, you may want to go to a computer when you can and watch these videos. After we were home about four days Jason said "Oh yeah, I forgot about these". Apparently he snuck a few videos during and just after the birth. They are so amazing. It was really interesting to watch it back. There have been a few times in my life when I have just wailed- when I could hear this sound coming from me and wasn't sure where it was coming from. Up to this point, those times were following a miscarriage. It was surreal to hear that same sound coming from tears of joy. And my exclamations, "Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d"! That was fitting too. Our son's name is Jaden Court. We knew early on that if we had a girl, his middle name would be Ellen. Since it was a boy, we chose Ellen's maiden name, Court, to honor her and so that he would always know his birth story. His first name is Hebrew for "G-d has heard". Indeed he has.<br />
<br />kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-11380950162612366902014-12-02T08:45:00.001-08:002014-12-06T20:24:11.599-08:00Introducing Jaden Court<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
Little man arrived yesterday at 3:13 PM. 5lbs15.4oz and 19 inches of perfection. We couldn't be happier.</div>
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This is what five years of waiting to be parents looks like...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd7eFfMaE7sZ8ZAEodhNTlabzhET5DsA2vmnI3xvi15m7a5Xox_Ja81G9vz3k_CzHGf9DV1JkklRuSLOnwcj_VXfhF-xmdtHLY6PrDULZLNaFHvyIENX-qVjBPF_N3bf4-W-pH3nNJ-YU/s640/blogger-image-1494761441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExj2MJKJ5IoMDXdJYw5BmmBsYad7FO6FRvXMHuYSmMHum482eCi91NjPAKIs2T6R0bSU822VEh20fLFaVMGAlGnsMob7ncPIeDPXP60VV30bLW-bwCJoLLJV9zsvLsHvlnSIvfBsWJ5o/s640/blogger-image--1252415620.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExj2MJKJ5IoMDXdJYw5BmmBsYad7FO6FRvXMHuYSmMHum482eCi91NjPAKIs2T6R0bSU822VEh20fLFaVMGAlGnsMob7ncPIeDPXP60VV30bLW-bwCJoLLJV9zsvLsHvlnSIvfBsWJ5o/s640/blogger-image--1252415620.jpg" /></a></div>
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd7eFfMaE7sZ8ZAEodhNTlabzhET5DsA2vmnI3xvi15m7a5Xox_Ja81G9vz3k_CzHGf9DV1JkklRuSLOnwcj_VXfhF-xmdtHLY6PrDULZLNaFHvyIENX-qVjBPF_N3bf4-W-pH3nNJ-YU/s640/blogger-image-1494761441.jpg" /><br />
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We are eternally grateful to these two who helped us become a family...and who are now part of our family too!</div>
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I will update about the birth story later...</div>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-65456584641492735202014-11-25T10:30:00.000-08:002014-11-26T10:28:08.902-08:00All We Need Now is the Baby!We've been waiting a long time for this baby, which also means we've had a long time to think about the nursery decor. We knew we wanted to
do something music-themed and I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and Project Nursery trying to find something I liked. While those gave me some good ideas, I didn't quite see what I wanted. Fortunately, I have an in-house graphic artist so decided we would be doing a lot of the design ourselves. By we, I really
mean Jason, though I am the art director in the family. I found this
cute guitar-playing chick on Pinterest and asked Jason if he could come
up with something similar for the nursery.
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I was thinking maybe different animals playing instruments but Jason came up with an even better idea.</div>
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He went on <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">to represent some of our favorite artists. How great are these?</span></div>
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We also framed lyrics from some of our favorite songs that deliver a message for Baby O. These include "I got you. I got everything" (Jack Johnson) "Decide what to be and go be it"(The Avett Brothers) "See the path cut by the moon for you to walk on" (Pearl Jam) and "Don't worry about a thing" (Bob Marley). We arranged the framed artists and lyrics over the dresser.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAJy36qoocti5e4WQJ-AUe_J_Yh9_5eyt18LF7LLjihzzF5Aax6KVwScFqfx7BKIvgBK1rqZei7ACj66iUV4b4ZLh8l1JabHvTFwQv7gtlTxofPaewPL3gLbSKQNQryhRq7cJ4j0ATas/s640/blogger-image--639421102.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAJy36qoocti5e4WQJ-AUe_J_Yh9_5eyt18LF7LLjihzzF5Aax6KVwScFqfx7BKIvgBK1rqZei7ACj66iUV4b4ZLh8l1JabHvTFwQv7gtlTxofPaewPL3gLbSKQNQryhRq7cJ4j0ATas/s640/blogger-image--639421102.jpg" /></a></div>
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We put "Here Comes the Sun" (The Beatles) over the crib. I had originally planned to hang the Dave Matthews lyrics "Wake up sleepy head, I think the sun's a little brighter today" on the other wall, but Jason randomly found a lighthouse print while at the thrift shop looking for frames for the artwork. He knew it belonged on the wall instead. Once again, we could feel the presence of Jason's father.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSDJrfKJiPb_sl6EH2xYSFrKsQcKD1OEkF_g9V6z3JmKiR_-Mgyou6E2jrYCQzHzrvBBA1Yeu496AuATi4zGGO7N85tCKEfHt9jRJPtXMecscUOlk2SQHPVKQWeUkzLBC3cky8vM9D9Qo/s640/blogger-image-1778096624.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSDJrfKJiPb_sl6EH2xYSFrKsQcKD1OEkF_g9V6z3JmKiR_-Mgyou6E2jrYCQzHzrvBBA1Yeu496AuATi4zGGO7N85tCKEfHt9jRJPtXMecscUOlk2SQHPVKQWeUkzLBC3cky8vM9D9Qo/s640/blogger-image-1778096624.jpg" /></a></div>
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For the final touch, we painted some IKEA spice racks and used them for book shelves (thanks pinterest!) <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCKAMvzcsdpR5lJLxdIpxR6VUAj7QkXDrMIbuEQoGv9D5lGN0FWzm96TTj3dBM16MR5u9M7GHKq5W0Auj3H9gFUeoT4uFnU9Ec5X_sMCO14JXC1KBvByOiYcOavs5OYwA__RbYiGSyObw/s640/blogger-image--1773778416.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCKAMvzcsdpR5lJLxdIpxR6VUAj7QkXDrMIbuEQoGv9D5lGN0FWzm96TTj3dBM16MR5u9M7GHKq5W0Auj3H9gFUeoT4uFnU9Ec5X_sMCO14JXC1KBvByOiYcOavs5OYwA__RbYiGSyObw/s640/blogger-image--1773778416.jpg" /></a></div>
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And thanks to Ellen for gifting us so many amazing books. We can't wait to read them to Baby O- especially the ones with the sweet inscriptions! </div>
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Here's a panoramic-ish shot of the room. In the corner we hung the first guitar Jason ever owned, a gift from his father when he was twenty years old. Jason was so excited about finally owning a guitar that he would just stare at it from across the room. Now Baby O can do the same! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Tp4ti5vEfvO29I7bs0TD0yb0HaFGzT2iuzOFcy25E5IRExrinwtGXlz4RsIatYay2CaqDIUc3t9QoyUY37PKzdHajVPSP8yVnZ7uquBNEFnk4Kg_xamndzkQ0cTElHLdmIHD7z3Jojg/s640/blogger-image-1192243079.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_A8sQnOBJxp72MBcYQMer_z76wn-rJ4c1YR8h3NviaeKGaY5c1D2SffOH1LJJDEMFg4xHS65aAUFhczqfLgUOWxIuroVDHJPyx6QwSZVtS_MtrlEnC6Z4D3puL5TPnU3AvcFzYUKlh0k/s640/blogger-image-64807862.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_A8sQnOBJxp72MBcYQMer_z76wn-rJ4c1YR8h3NviaeKGaY5c1D2SffOH1LJJDEMFg4xHS65aAUFhczqfLgUOWxIuroVDHJPyx6QwSZVtS_MtrlEnC6Z4D3puL5TPnU3AvcFzYUKlh0k/s640/blogger-image-64807862.jpg" /></a></div>
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Jason and I also created a "Songs from the Nursery" playlist and gave each of our amazing baby shower hostesses a CD. The playlist is filled with some of our favorite artists that are represented in the nursery as well as songs that really resonated for us along this journey. One in particular, the Bob Marley song "Coming In From the Cold" with the lyric "When one door is closed, don't you know, many more is open" really hits home. Another really meaningful song is "Father, Son". Jason discovered this song about a year after his father passed away when he decided to make a tribute video for him. Click <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsqkH4okJg8">here</a> to see that incredible video (but be sure to grab your kleenex). It's really special that the song will take on new meaning with the birth of Baby O. Here's our "Born to Rock" playlist. If you have Spotify, you can listen now. Enjoy!</div>
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="380" src="https://embed.spotify.com/?uri=spotify:user:1291172072:playlist:7kuJEJf5ZgDDrxpoMAIWT7" width="300"></iframe>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-25903095742862565692014-11-18T21:59:00.002-08:002014-11-26T10:28:16.355-08:00Birth Plan Schmurf PlanOn Friday we went to the OB/GYN for the <a href="http://www.babycenter.com/0_group-b-streptococcus-screening_1647.bc?page=1">beta Strep B test </a>and a cervical check as Ellen was 36w2d. Since ours is a unique birthing situation, I decided to come up with a birth preference plan in order to minimize confusion. Ellen has never used a birth plan with any of her prior pregnancies knowing that plans don't really mean anything when it comes to actual delivery. Still, she agreed that it would make sense to have something in writing so that the hospital was aware that Jason and I are to make all medical decisions following his birth. I scoured the internet trying to find birth plans for surrogates and intended parents and really only found<a href="http://www.returntosenders.com/2013/05/two-part-birth-plan-for-a-surrogacy-birth.html"> this.</a> My sister-in-law gave us a copy of her birth preference (she took the word plan out of the name but I think we all know it was still a plan) and I used both of those sources as a guideline to for ours. Both plans included a lot more information about labor preferences but since Ellen wasn't concerned about that, I omitted that part. The main things I was concerned about was having delayed cord clamping and doing immediate skin-to-skin contact with the baby. <br />
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I had my birth preference plan in hand when the doctor walked in. He glanced at it and said in a somewhat snarky manner, "Oh no, she's got it written down". I told him that I'm really not Type-A but wanted to have things in writing since this is such a unique situation. He then said, "Well you might as well tell me what's in it because I'm going to have to read it anyway". I told him about my two main preferences and to my dismay, he told me it wasn't possible. "We can do delayed clamping- no problem. But you can't do immediate skin-to-skin. The baby will need to go on her belly (gesturing toward Ellen) because the cord will still be attached". He went on to say that the NICU team will then need to assess him since he will likely be under 5lbs as he is IUGR. NICU?!? IUGR?!? These are terms I hadn't yet heard associated with my baby. I knew he was measuring small, but I thought he was just SGA. I told the doctor that and he said "They're the same thing".<br />
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So what are all these acronyms anyway? IUGR stands for Inter-uterine Growth Restriction (though I've also seen it referred to as Growth Retardation) and refers to a baby that is not growing at the normal rate in the womb. Specifically, it means the baby is below the 10th percentile. Our baby has been measuring small since we first went to the specialist at 22 weeks. This is why we have the weekly appointments with the specialist where they measure his growth every other week and do biophysical profiles on alternate weeks. His biophysical profiles have always been perfect and the specialist has never given us any reason to believe that the baby would need the NICU. I was quite alarmed to hear otherwise from the OB. The specialist has always maintained that thought he is behind, he is likely just a small baby. I'm just five feet and Ellen has never carried a baby over 6lbs 8oz, so its likely that the fact that Ellen grows smaller babies and the fact that his mom is small plays a role in his size. I was under the impression that IUGR meant there is a problematic reason that the baby is measuring small (problem with blood flow from the cord, problems with the placenta, etc) but SGA (Small for Gestational Age) meant just that- the baby is small for his gestational age but there is no known cause. This doctor was suggesting otherwise and it was certainly concerning. <br />
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Also concerning was the fact that I was told I could not do immediate <a href="http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/806325">skin-to-skin contact.</a> Skin-to-skin contact (also known as kangaroo care) entails placing the newborn naked baby on the mother's chest immediately following birth. Research has shown this helps regulate the baby's body temperature, respiration and glucose stability in addition to enhancing bonding and helping to promote lactation in nursing mothers. Now, I obviously <a href="http://www.jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014/07/crying-over-spilled-breast-milk.html">won't be nursing</a> which is why skin-to-skin felt extra important for me. I really want to have that time to be finally be mom to this baby. I even registered for a <a href="http://nuroobaby.com/product/nuroo-pocket/#tab-description">special shirt </a>that I plan to wear during delivery so I can do kangaroo care. It never occurred to me that I would be unable to do so right away. The doctor told me that I would get the baby once the cord was cut, though suggested that if he was under five pounds the NICU team would get him first. Upon hearing that, I took the birth preference plan and threw it into the trash. What was the point of having a preference plan when my preferences weren't going to be realized? I know that the birth process is not typically what we imagine, but now all I could see was the baby being put on Ellen's stomach and not mine, and this image hurt.<br />
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After the appointment I talked to some well-intentioned family and friends, who assured me that I would have plenty of time to do skin-to-skin, that not doing it immediately wouldn't really make a difference, that I have his whole life to bond with him, etc etc. And while all this is true, it didn't really help in the moment. In the end, what it comes down to is if I was the one delivering my baby none of this would be an issue. It would be my belly he would be placed upon. I, once again, had to grieve the fact that I wouldn't get to deliver my baby. Just when I thought I was done crying about this....<br />
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I shed my tears. More than once. Then I pulled myself together and met Jason and some friends for a quick bite before we saw Interstellar. The next morning, Jason and I headed for a baby prep-filled day- a Baby Essentials Class from 9-12 followed immediately by Infant CPR from 12-2. I was a bit nervous about how I would feel being the only woman in the class who wasn't visibly pregnant, but soon realized we were all just clueless first-time parents learning to swaddle. After the class we went over to our good friends home to pick up car seats and tons of baby toys that they so graciously passed along to us, dropped off an extra car seat at Jason's mom's house, and went to Buy Buy Baby to get some last minute essentials. It was an educational, exciting, exhausting day but it helped me shift gears a bit beyond the delivery room and into baby's room. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi68NDgRn2Z2bPvaDvcvKMP_D9xcOgV8WQBdHjWIKgxr4hQ-QWWGSC3hSoLKEdGSGfw_IyhcTQ8NWDs202zakYKM-HLNg2-rmjzPjxgQGuYF5OhSi3itPlE-seM8T-RWPVYi40y5dHCovE/s640/blogger-image--707141933.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi68NDgRn2Z2bPvaDvcvKMP_D9xcOgV8WQBdHjWIKgxr4hQ-QWWGSC3hSoLKEdGSGfw_IyhcTQ8NWDs202zakYKM-HLNg2-rmjzPjxgQGuYF5OhSi3itPlE-seM8T-RWPVYi40y5dHCovE/s640/blogger-image--707141933.jpg" /></a></div>
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Ultimately, I decided that I am going to print out a new copy of the birth preference plan. I think trashing it might have been a little rash. I do still think its important that the hospital is aware of our situation. I will likely make some changes on the new copy involving either asking for the skin-to-skin with the baby following the delayed cord clamping, or removing the delayed cord clamping request all together. At a physician friend's recommendation, I did some more research on delayed cord clamping and it seems while it is beneficial for premature babies, it is not necessarily beneficial and may even prove harmful (causing dangerously high volume of red blood cells or increased risk of jaundice). I intend to speak to the OB about this at our next meeting, and also want to express the reasons behind my desire for being the first to have skin-to-skin with the baby. I am hopeful that together we can come up with a solution that is best for the baby but is also sensitive to our situation.<br />
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Oh, and about that baby being IUGR and being under 5lbs at birth? We went to the specialist again on Monday. The doctor confirmed what I had thought all along- there is constitutional IUGR (meaning baby is just constitutionally small) and pathological IUGR (meaning something is wrong with the baby or the womb that is preventing proper growth). As suspected, he believes our baby is just constitutionally small. And Baby O had a growth spurt! He is 5lbs5oz and in the 7th percentile! NICU SCHMICKU!<br />
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Since I had a hard time finding a Gestational Surrogate/Intended Parent Birth Plan to use as a guideline, I'm including my original one here. <br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">ELLEN M (GESTATIONAL SURROGATE) AND JASON AND
KERRI ORANSKY (BIOLOGICAL/INTENDED PARENTS) BIRTH PREFERENCE</span></u></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Attendants: Chris
M (Ellen’s husband) Jason and Kerri O (Intended Parents)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">OB/GYN: Dr. Ramani,
Eagles Landing OBGYN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Pediatrician: Dr Deneta Sells,
Intown Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We
would like to thank the Piedmont Henry staff in advance for helping us achieve
our goal of natural childbirth via gestational carrier! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ellen M, the gestational surrogate, is carrying
a<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> baby boy that was conceived via Kerri
O’s egg and Jason O’s sperm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>They are the biological parents of this<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>baby and will be<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>making<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> all medical decisions for him upon birth. </b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know this is a unique delivery situation
and hope that with this plan we can minimize confusion and have a beautiful
birth experience for all involved. Ellen has had four previous natural
deliveries and would like to attempt a natural delivery for this baby as well. We
are aware that childbirth is unpredictable and are willing to be flexible
should Ellen or baby be in danger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
below preferences have been discussed with Dr.Ramani.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are aware that many of our preferences
differ from the staff’s normal routine, so thank you for your support and
understanding!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Delivery Preferences:</span></b></div>
</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="square">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We ask your support in
assisting us to find the most effective and comfortable position for
pushing (gravity-positive), and would ask to avoid directed pushing –
allowing Ellen to push when the urge is felt.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Natural tearing is strongly preferred in lieu
of an episiotomy. </span></b><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please discuss with us if
an </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">episiotomy is deemed medically necessary.</span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Ellen would like to
take the crowning stage slowly and requests warm compresses/perineal
massage to help avoid any unnecessary tearing.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="square">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We prefer the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">placenta </b>be delivered naturally. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">To allow for bonding
with the biological mother, we would like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">immediate skin-to-skin</b> contact between Kerri and the
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please delay all tests for as
long as possible.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Delay cord clamping/cutting </span></b><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">until pulsing has
stopped, before it is cut by Jason.</span></li>
</ul>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Newborn Preferences:</span></b></div>
</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="square">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We do not want our baby
to receive the HepB vaccine.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We are planning an
out-of-hospital circumcision procedure.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">If the baby needs to be
taken to another area for testing, we request that a parent accompany him
at all times.</span></li>
</ul>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Emergency Procedures:</span></b></div>
</div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="square">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In the event of a
C-section, we request that Kerri and Jason remain for the entirety of the
surgery and for Kerri and Jason to stay with the baby until the family can
be united.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If an additional person
is allowed, Ellen would like her husband Chris to be present. If only one
person is allowed, Kerri will be the designated person.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We would like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">immediate skin-to-skin</b> contact
between Kerri and baby as soon as possible following delivery. </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">If the baby requires
NICU care, we request the right to feed and care for him as much as
possible, including the opportunity to provide Kangaroo Care.</span></li>
</ul>
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-11096495677553979402014-11-11T10:49:00.003-08:002014-11-11T11:10:50.234-08:00It's Almost Time to Go and Meet Your Mom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The other day I came across this song on Twitter. Boy, did it get me. Grab your kleenex...</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/l3jezTg70nA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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And then yesterday, our little man finally showed his face for Daddy on a 3-D ultrasound. Not just any face either- look what he did for us! We are both so excited to meet this guy! <br />
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<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidwNcLTkhSPaNAC8_gkt8yKJuY-jpEor83qN8RNGb0pME-W45PGCtw4VgvG07w0qhHhkC17sLZGF8zy6jkBNblX03Ks_GdBxIvlAd7KGD2DQ5JHKO0cQjPaBvvh1WvK8_fC8BUWvZ4ovA/s320/blogger-image--826546208.jpg" width="230" /></div>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-83718867098418008022014-10-24T06:00:00.000-07:002014-10-24T07:17:57.058-07:00Happy 5th Anniversary!<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
Today marks five years of marriage for Jason and I. I honestly feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am married to a man who makes me laugh Every Single Day, but who also makes me think, makes me grow and always makes me feel loved. I don't just love my husband- I admire him for his amazing talent as an artist and musician and for his kindness and compassion. This is a man who still makes time for his Little Brother (from the Big Brother/Big Sister program) , whom he met when his "little" was in 8th grade and who now is 22. This is a man who regularly keeps in touch with a chronically ill teen that he met briefly at a holiday party, by inviting her for lunch and a tour of his office and planning a pottery-painting date. For all these reasons and more, I know he will be an amazing father and I am so blessed to have him as my husband and best friend. </div>
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Admittedly, the first several years of our marriage were not the easiest. Infertility does a number on a marriage. The top two reasons most married couples fight are sex and money, and infertility definitely affects both. Here's a tip- if you ever meet anyone who is struggling to conceive, don't joke with them and say "At least you're having fun trying!". Infertility sucks the fun out of trying. Timed intercourse is mechanical, scientific and anything but fun. As for money- for the past four plus years, all our savings has gone to fertility clinics, hospital bills, attorneys fees, and surrogacy compensation. We are fortunate that we have had help with some of these bills from family, but we have still stressed out watching our bank accounts get depleted- especially when until this year, it was typically for naught. </div>
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Infertility affected our marriage in other ways. The sadness and disappointment month after month when we couldn't get pregnant, the anger and defeat when we lost pregnancies, the hopelessness and helplessness that ruled our lives for the better part of our marriage- that certainly has an impact. Jason and I had to learn to navigate all those feelings, both individually and as a couple. We both cope differently- Jason often turns inward and wants to be alone to process his feelings. I, on the other hand, need to talk about my feelings. In the beginning, Jason would try to be there for me even though it made things harder for him. In time, I learned to allow him to have his space and would seek support from friends or family. We slowly figured out a way to meet our own needs while also helping one another. </div>
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In spite of all those issues, I think Jason and I did surprisingly well. We still managed to enjoy one another and have fun, count our blessings, and grow as individuals and as a couple. This past year, without the pressure of trying to conceive and of course, with the knowledge that Baby O is on his way, I finally feel like we have been able to experience the happily every after that we imagined we would when we said our vows five years ago. That weight that I spoke of in my very first post has been gone for about 8 months now and boy does it feel great! </div>
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On our first anniversary, Jason and I celebrated by giving each other the traditional paper gifts. Interestingly enough, we gave one another similar presents. I gave Jason several different framed prints from our wedding. He also gave me some of the same photographs from our wedding, yet he included a poem he wrote on one of them. It warms my heart to know that FINALLY, after five long years, the dream he wrote about is on its way to becoming a reality.<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieiaA9B6jGJzIR5lbspUad94_16v5VTReJ7KpcoXBZwN_WzSTH5yAV1ZDbTiBdpN2NFt3gfL2cbCTlclQI9_XPA-TeJ2dPEUAZyMmLStu9W2b5piJ0vbBIBnnar3p7IWNlIU7503DgyaA/s640/blogger-image--134083540.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieiaA9B6jGJzIR5lbspUad94_16v5VTReJ7KpcoXBZwN_WzSTH5yAV1ZDbTiBdpN2NFt3gfL2cbCTlclQI9_XPA-TeJ2dPEUAZyMmLStu9W2b5piJ0vbBIBnnar3p7IWNlIU7503DgyaA/s640/blogger-image--134083540.jpg" width="480"> </a></div>
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I love you more than words can express Jason! I'm so excited for this next chapter in our lives. You and me, together, we can do anything, baby! I love you more and more along the way...</div>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-76872446756480789152014-10-22T19:19:00.000-07:002014-10-23T10:11:40.186-07:00Rock-a-bye Baby ShowerSaturday was the most amazing day! It was Baby O's baby shower and it couldn't have been any more perfect. Eight of my friends co-hosted the shower and I was so impressed by all the special touches they included. We are doing a music themed nursery in gray, aqua and yellow and the hostesses reflected that theme throughout the party. I started crying right when I walked in...it was just so emotional to FINALLY be having our own baby shower and I just loved all the thought that was put into making it truly special.<br>
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I was truly overwhelmed with all the special details and with the love and friendship I felt from all the guests. Ellen and Chris were there and it was so exciting introducing them to friends and family and letting everyone see Baby O growing inside of Ellen. Several of my friends cried when they met Ellen, which of course led to tears from both Ellen and I. It was really nice having happy, joyful tears.</div>
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Here are some pictures from this amazing day:</div>
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The adorable invitations<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEuyYKgBi_gAGmHnpcBAfE2bQ5S8FJ2UxT1jKwPjt5dSsi8aFW5G0RS-qGGhL-PMOgYvGHtZZFHLIvguDqFaQKSfeysh-9bo3WcL-Fwfjyh55JmYFxCjLauuiHhPD8hP_aFXvWNohyphenhyphenGtU/s640/blogger-image-2065925652.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEuyYKgBi_gAGmHnpcBAfE2bQ5S8FJ2UxT1jKwPjt5dSsi8aFW5G0RS-qGGhL-PMOgYvGHtZZFHLIvguDqFaQKSfeysh-9bo3WcL-Fwfjyh55JmYFxCjLauuiHhPD8hP_aFXvWNohyphenhyphenGtU/s640/blogger-image-2065925652.jpg"></a></div>
Yummy food and decor<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYrtGuvvyhcVFe2Ej6AGJwWu4xFYMouebFSvoD5tFDfZgo6VTfcEsLjk6i_SA0DFbbVuwXmx_2_lr161B6AuBV2V-xynHy8uKeMjMeivnoTfBqlvgIQupDcp5amUW0DPo7HbG04aHLWsM/s640/blogger-image--1968909474.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYrtGuvvyhcVFe2Ej6AGJwWu4xFYMouebFSvoD5tFDfZgo6VTfcEsLjk6i_SA0DFbbVuwXmx_2_lr161B6AuBV2V-xynHy8uKeMjMeivnoTfBqlvgIQupDcp5amUW0DPo7HbG04aHLWsM/s640/blogger-image--1968909474.jpg"></a></div>
Delicious cake<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicyNXiW2wVCQUzAnBp5TBqV8p5qXHBTvj7RofP9KtuIaNea_PNPMSetnlJpY5hZrSnrOBhx9_cEPk4PRgwSrOpUeSfPHfcuAANkx4RN5VeB21BfJ8R1uDP0wb7lJYUXugotEOP_3QTboo/s640/blogger-image--1945524841.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicyNXiW2wVCQUzAnBp5TBqV8p5qXHBTvj7RofP9KtuIaNea_PNPMSetnlJpY5hZrSnrOBhx9_cEPk4PRgwSrOpUeSfPHfcuAANkx4RN5VeB21BfJ8R1uDP0wb7lJYUXugotEOP_3QTboo/s640/blogger-image--1945524841.jpg"></a></div>
"For Those About to Rock (Candy)" sign is just one example of the music- themed signs throughout the party. So creative! <br>
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My beautiful hostesses along with Ellen and I. <br>
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Photo shoot by the tree<br>
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Ellen's girls always do a signature hip pop in their pics. It does make
for a cuter picture (even with the WTF looks from the guys)<br>
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Family photo shoot- Jason and I with Baby O's aunt, uncle, cousin and YaYa!<br>
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Here's a video which captures the emotion of the day- if you watch all
the way through you might catch Jason spilling the beans about Baby O's
name. (the peanut gallery commenting was one of the hostesses husband's who was watching the Bama game. He provided much needed comic relief when I was having difficulty expressing myself!) </div>
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<br>kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-57469906184767883422014-10-15T05:00:00.000-07:002014-10-15T05:41:46.789-07:00Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance DayIn October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the US and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, still births, birth defects, SIDS and other causes". October 15th has since become "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day". <br />
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This isn't going to be an easy post to write and I imagine for some it may be equally hard to read. As joyful as I am about Baby's O impending arrival (we get to meet him in 6-8 weeks!) I have to be honest about the mixed emotions I am experiencing right now. The fact that this is happening around Infant Loss and Remembrance Day is not lost on me.<br />
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Our journey to parenthood prior to surrogacy was a rocky one with lots of sadness, loss and disappointment along the way. During the nearly four years that Jason and I were trying to conceive, we experienced three miscarriages and one chemical pregnancy (which is a very early miscarriage before a pregnancy can be seen on an ultrasound). Each loss was devastating, even the very early one. I actually documented my second loss right as it was occurring because a local radio show was asking for listeners to share their infertility story at the same time I was experiencing the miscarriage. If you are interested, you can read what I wrote at that time<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/13pYvdS06Gog9_byov35hGb0RJkaZGSVG2KE9Is1pWxY/edit#heading=h.gjdgxs"> here</a>.<br />
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With Baby O on the way, the heartbreak from those losses was finally starting to fade. Until this past Sunday that is. I woke up at 6am Sunday morning with intense cramps. I couldn't remember ever having such a painful period. I tried in vain to go back to sleep but mostly just writhed in pain, feeling nauseated and miserable. Jason slept through most of it but finally woke up around 8am when he heard me moaning. I told him that I could never have a baby because I couldn't even handle these period cramps. I began pacing, lying on the bathroom floor, dry-heaving- I didn't know what to do with myself and didn't know what was wrong. Finally, around 9:30, I felt a severe cramp and then TMI WARNING: I expelled a large clot. Soon, an all-too-familiar sensation began happening. I began bleeding. A lot. It was at this point that I began to think that maybe this wasn't a just a period. I thought back to the last time I had a period and realized it had been over a month. I had been late back in August and remembering thinking that I could be pregnant, but then I started spotting so figured that I wasn't. Now I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I had been wrong.<br />
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After soaking several pads, I finally called the doctor and she encouraged me to watch the bleeding and if I soaked more than two pads in an hour I should go to the ER. Not again! I really, really did not want to have another hemorrhaging episode and did not feel like spending time or money at the ER, especially when I wasn't even certain what was happening. Poor Jason had plans to go to a Falcons game with his buddy from college who was in town visiting. I know he certainly didn't want to spend his Sunday in the ER either. I told Jason that if it came to that, he could still go to the game. "I know the drill" I told him. I was surprisingly flippant about the whole thing. More annoyed then anything. "Have fun with your friends. I'll be fine," I told him. If I had to go to the ER, I knew I didn't want to be alone, but we agreed his mother could go with me if it came down to that. When the bleeding didn't subside, I called the doctor again and ultimately asked her if she could just call in a prescription for methergine, a medication I had taken in the past to stop the bleeding. She agreed but insisted I go to the hospital if the medication didn't work. I promised that I would and just hoped that that I wouldn't have to. While at CVS picking up my prescription, I also picked up a pregnancy test. I didn't really think it would show anything- I figured if I was pregnant, it was probably too early for it to even register on a pregnancy test. But figured it couldn't hurt to see.<br />
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When I got home, I took the methergine and then, out of curiosity, took the test. I was floored with how quickly the results showed up.<br />
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I was also floored by my reaction. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!? WE GOT PREGNANT ON OUR OWN?!? WHEN WE WEREN'T EVEN TRYING?!? AND NOW I'M LOSING THE PREGNANCY?!? IS THIS A SICK JOKE? I couldn't believe it.<br />
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Thankfully, the medication seemed to do the trick and the bleeding subsided. Physically, I was doing okay. Emotionally? That was another story. It is still really hard to wrap my head around all of this. Unlike my other miscarriages, this one didn't feel like a loss because I had no idea that I was even pregnant to begin with. But it does feel like just another reminder that I have a crappy uterus. What is wrong with me? Why can't my body do what so many woman have done from the beginning of time? Did I REALLY need this reminder? Wasn't the hemorrhaging after the last D&C enough? <br />
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Yes, I know I have a baby on the way and I am ever-so-grateful for that. But I'm not going to lie- I've always still had a fantasy that we could get pregnant on our own and that somehow, without all the treatments and the meds, I would carry our miracle baby to term. So I guess I do feel a loss- a loss of my hope and fantasy of experiencing pregnancy and childbirth on my own. And I'm left with that oh-so-familiar feeling of being broken.<br />
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Monday was a surreal day. It started with our regular 8am ultrasound appointment for Baby O. He looked great and I was of course pleased, but I was still reeling knowing I had to have my own u/s later that day to make sure the pregnancy had passed. If it hadn't, I would no doubt require a D&C. I had my u/s that afternoon and thankfully, the tech said she couldn't detect anything in my uterus other than some clotting. I was relieved. When I met with my OB/GYN she did an internal exam and was very surprised to see pregnancy tissue. She asked me if she could do an endometrial biopsy. Ugh. I had this procedure after my last D&C and it was brutal. It basically means scraping the uterus to try to get out any leftover "products of conception". Jason likened it to getting the seeds out of a pumpkin. Lovely image, but actually quite accurate. The procedure is done without anesthesia (though I think she used some lidocaine) and although brief, its incredibly painful. I knew doing this would save me from having to do a D&C so I agreed. During the procedure, the doctor told me that based on the size of my uterus, she presumed I was probably about 6 weeks pregnant. Ouch. That stung. She also suggested that Jason consider getting a vasectomy, as I cannot be on birth control due to a history of a blood clot. She wanted to prevent me from getting pregnant again. I had a hard time digesting both those pieces of information.<br />
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To think that I was six week pregnant without even knowing it was really mind-blowing. I spent so many years charting my menstrual cycles, timing intercourse, obsessing over pregnancy symptoms, wishing, hoping praying to get a positive pregnancy test and now, when I wasn't trying to get pregnant or paying any attention to my cycles or symptoms I find out I am six week pregnant? Or should I say was six weeks pregnant.<br />
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The vasectomy piece was troubling too. Once Jason got over the initial queasiness about the surgery, he was surprisingly okay with it (as long as he can do it during March Madness so he can watch basketball while he's recovering). "What if something happens to me and you re-marry and want to have another child?" I asked. "I'm not planning for that contingency," he replied. If I'm being honest, I think I'm actually less okay with the vasectomy idea than Jason. If he gets a vasectomy it means that I can never get pregnant again. Which I know is the goal. No one wants me to experience another miscarriage. But the thought of me not being able to get pregnant again...of that fantasy never becoming a reality...that is hard for me to accept. I'm sure I will be able to in time....I still need to process it all though.<br />
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It's been a little tough as well because Jason and I really aren't on the same page with all of this. He doesn't seem too upset or affected by this latest miscarriage. He doesn't really get why this is so hard for me. I think men have a much easier time compartmentalizing. It's very matter-of-fact for him- the fact is, I can't carry. I feel like for me, I have to grieve that fact all over again. I have to let go of that fantasy. For Jason, we are still getting Baby O and this was always his end goal. For me, Baby O was the end goal but I still wanted to experience that means to the end. I guess since he is a guy and was never going to be pregnant or experience delivery he doesn't feel like he is missing out. For me, this loss just opens up old wounds and reminds me of what I can't do. <br />
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I'm really, really glad all this happened last weekend and not this upcoming weekend. This weekend is Baby O's baby shower. I would hate to have missed it because I was miscarrying! I'm pissed that this all had to happen now because it definitely taints my excitement about the weekend. But I'm going to try and shift gears and focus on all the good and positivity ahead. Once again, I'm left with those conflicting feelings that I first discussed on my <a href="http://www.jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-on-boat.html">"I'm on a Boat"</a> post - of gratitude and anger, of feeling robbed and feeling blessed. I'm furious at my body. I'm sad that I'm so broken.<br />
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Yesterday, after I got home from work and tried to process everything that had happened over the last two days, I was looking on FB and saw this much-needed post from one of the mothers in my Intended Parents FB group. Monday's are days where members are encouraged to post what they are grateful for. Here was her gratitude post: <br />
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<i>Grateful Monday: (love this!) as I sit here nursing my son to sleep at
the close of the day, it's obvious to me what I'm most thankful for. I'm
thankful for what I've been given, despite what's been taken away. I'm
grateful for my healthy little boy, who loves me, even if I'm a little
less whole. This is the only way he knows me, and in his eyes I'm not
broken. I'm just mama</i>.<br />
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In about 8 weeks (minus the nursing part) I know that I will be feeling the same way about Baby O. That's what I'm going to try to focus on...kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-66467847505226860812014-10-13T18:43:00.000-07:002014-10-13T18:43:10.785-07:00Progression Part 2So it's been a while since I've posted any pics of our little man. Little was the operative word there for a while. We initially went to the specialist because of the Previa (which completely resolved by our second visit). However, Baby O was measuring below the 10th percentile, which means we have to go to the specialist every week to make sure he is growing appropriately and to check that he has adequate blood flow from the cord and placenta. They measure his growth every other week and measure his blood flow on the alternate week. Initially, he was measuring in the 6th percentile. Then he had a bit of a growth spurt and made it to the 7th percentile. Two weeks later he dropped to the 4th percentile(Yikes!) Thankfully, the following two weeks he made it to the 8th percentile and just last week, he grew to the 9th percentile! It's been really nice because we've been able to have lots of guests join us for the ultrasounds. My mom was in town and able to go to one at around 25 weeks, Ellen's two youngest came to one around 28 weeks, her eldest came to one at 29 weeks, and Jason's mom and Ellen's mom both attended our most recent ultrasound at 30 weeks. Jason has had to miss about three ultrasounds, and all three of those happened to be ones where we got to see 3-D images of Baby O. Jason has yet to see a live 3-D image of Baby O (he is far less alien-esque on the monitor than he is in the photos) because he's always in a bad position (hand over his face, breach) so he has to settle for the regular images. I think he's starting to get a complex about this! <br />
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During the third trimester, they have begun doing weekly biophysical profiles (BFP) in which they measure fetal heart rate, movement, muscle tone, breathing, and fluid levels. If they are able to get an accurate measure of all these in 30 minutes, he earns 8 points. We only learned about this because one day he fell short. He earned all his points for everything but breathing. At around 30 weeks, he is supposed to be practicing his breathing, evidenced by movement of his diaphragm. Hiccups apparently count as breathing practice too. The week prior, we saw his breathing right away but this particular week, he was not showing off for us. The tech ended up pulling out the buzzer, which is a Taboo-like buzzer that makes a loud noise and vibration designed to startle/wake the baby. We definitely saw Baby O jolt when she used the buzzer the first time, but after that he was unimpressed and didn't really react. This meant he had to go on the heart monitor, so we could be sure that his heart rate was accelerating and decelerating appropriately. Of course, the minute he went on the monitor he began hiccuping, but we still had to monitor his heart rate for about 20 minutes. It was all good and he ended up earning 8/10 points. Better late than never I guess.<br />
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Here are pics of Baby O from the beginning up to where he is today:<br />
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Baby O went from this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCDYzoXArkb46NAFEZ0vWcmVRwI5yPRTLxR-qHJq1sO72-9fjvYc_ZKCth3JjfNJzO5nRiAY8lpwMVXdP3bUM_AA14-d8dcrJ6csuDAfdt-_cg_ha174Ss7JqMIqWiF56IZ68eMHsE3Vs/s1600/embie.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCDYzoXArkb46NAFEZ0vWcmVRwI5yPRTLxR-qHJq1sO72-9fjvYc_ZKCth3JjfNJzO5nRiAY8lpwMVXdP3bUM_AA14-d8dcrJ6csuDAfdt-_cg_ha174Ss7JqMIqWiF56IZ68eMHsE3Vs/s1600/embie.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a></div>
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To this:</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0_sbhQFFNmRCw1fvRvyp2ayOjZOh4ERnyAmvguRUV7PCHCIRMsb7vnHvDNr7-55Xy88GvXDBQvYH5prBwT9FI0A9Kh4IFeOTs2oZTEn5v4spiITztiMGldTkkfqL4EpaP2v-u4o9qirc/s1600/5w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0_sbhQFFNmRCw1fvRvyp2ayOjZOh4ERnyAmvguRUV7PCHCIRMsb7vnHvDNr7-55Xy88GvXDBQvYH5prBwT9FI0A9Kh4IFeOTs2oZTEn5v4spiITztiMGldTkkfqL4EpaP2v-u4o9qirc/s1600/5w.jpg" height="242" width="320" /> </a></td><td style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5w6d measuring right on time</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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To this:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6UveaOHG-ieJAtcDPySQjgAbBRXgxetsv6bhFKO7gLKm5J1uWTSon5HwWo0kvSbmApouotwg11pvtk-a67EHFuaTbeGHuEzXEzumXPpyb9-awAI6463QenOykAT69Ci4CDgVjaBG-1ws/s1600/6w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6UveaOHG-ieJAtcDPySQjgAbBRXgxetsv6bhFKO7gLKm5J1uWTSon5HwWo0kvSbmApouotwg11pvtk-a67EHFuaTbeGHuEzXEzumXPpyb9-awAI6463QenOykAT69Ci4CDgVjaBG-1ws/s1600/6w.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6w6d measuring 6w1d Heartbeat 132 BPM (beats per minute)<br />
But Yikes- why did it only grow 2 days worth in 7 days??? <br />
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To this:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlbGCTydrA3A6HjKfsQfXoBC4e_1pB1AGFbiwXdbJPuNhjKTo5YVIZzD_dwS3OHOV3685M3oFv6943vpG-oHYDKW6NT5Kh105gz_cd_5cc_dQL-bojRJ3-JGxPa0QOnjp-3G2mwjnlpy0/s1600/7w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlbGCTydrA3A6HjKfsQfXoBC4e_1pB1AGFbiwXdbJPuNhjKTo5YVIZzD_dwS3OHOV3685M3oFv6943vpG-oHYDKW6NT5Kh105gz_cd_5cc_dQL-bojRJ3-JGxPa0QOnjp-3G2mwjnlpy0/s1600/7w.jpg" height="217" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">7w6d measuring 7w1d (still behind but at least its a week of growth!) HB 167</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> BPM </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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To this:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrgEIiYh5fSeVx8o-61i3SU9c5ZleBoeGsZmgPwuRQTErwLgM6bofrhyUMr__Gi5JzB618umqpov0QNfjJx5UgWye8TBKvJ3v3ytq1WeOGSAaGDhPHLhSQmXSHimU2Lp_LL3rxTU3GQRU/s1600/9w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrgEIiYh5fSeVx8o-61i3SU9c5ZleBoeGsZmgPwuRQTErwLgM6bofrhyUMr__Gi5JzB618umqpov0QNfjJx5UgWye8TBKvJ3v3ytq1WeOGSAaGDhPHLhSQmXSHimU2Lp_LL3rxTU3GQRU/s1600/9w.jpg" height="207" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9w4d measuring 9w1d- HB 183 BPM</td></tr>
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and in 3-D this:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikR98wZtTXUEFCjjyurgt7HTyC6XTe93G0-5ZMzMc7DLQOq-eLNZejg9p_kDyRAz3a2godE8Q-afyRWKKqt6LAzjzBODoBkAxaXncEKWkI77xzVDDbl2MevJH7yL_LelSdz6sXaFG1iWU/s1600/3d.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikR98wZtTXUEFCjjyurgt7HTyC6XTe93G0-5ZMzMc7DLQOq-eLNZejg9p_kDyRAz3a2godE8Q-afyRWKKqt6LAzjzBODoBkAxaXncEKWkI77xzVDDbl2MevJH7yL_LelSdz6sXaFG1iWU/s1600/3d.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9w4d- A bit alienesque- a face only a mother could love! </td></tr>
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To this: </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFk7V374p9MGCsGF1CzaiN8LPXE6dknFOdprdDyphY7veq7TQMX7bxpX3mOSzmNzPbU-AIpXc9w_2eZLXVNDf3D3vrydWgxhFs_xDbUh9KM6mTjVRV-5CGGFjeKEyihIFNRdvPQl2NPA/s1600/10w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFk7V374p9MGCsGF1CzaiN8LPXE6dknFOdprdDyphY7veq7TQMX7bxpX3mOSzmNzPbU-AIpXc9w_2eZLXVNDf3D3vrydWgxhFs_xDbUh9KM6mTjVRV-5CGGFjeKEyihIFNRdvPQl2NPA/s1600/10w.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10w5d measuring 10w4d HB 167 BPM</td></tr>
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To this:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRvudDaXd6_djZxdJYc3PGoDVWxp5NP4ybdyRHnBIWDZZC4S5n18hjMC3JRO1sT7EHYYXmYB7Cy84lDEPfPUV3wl8KtEQMrlN1zZAuC0hzWrsbyRdQ0wltwO0JPa89bKgrLKASPOtYvxY/s1600/13w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRvudDaXd6_djZxdJYc3PGoDVWxp5NP4ybdyRHnBIWDZZC4S5n18hjMC3JRO1sT7EHYYXmYB7Cy84lDEPfPUV3wl8KtEQMrlN1zZAuC0hzWrsbyRdQ0wltwO0JPa89bKgrLKASPOtYvxY/s1600/13w.jpg" height="189" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">13w measuring 12w4d HB 164 BPM <br />
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We had to wait 7 weeks but then we started getting weekly ultrasounds again<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Our little boy is all growns up! </span></div>
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-38106267465310140172014-10-05T08:17:00.000-07:002014-10-05T08:30:06.861-07:00I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be FriendsWhen I first began looking for a surrogate, I was hopeful that I would find someone local so that I could attend doctors appointments and be as much a part of the pregnancy as possible. I also hoped to find someone that I would remain connected with after the birth of our baby. I hoped to send regular photo updates, invite them to birthday parties, and stay in touch every once in a while. Never in a million years did I imagine finding a surrogate that I would feel so connected with during the pregnancy. That is exactly what has happened though. If you had told me a year ago that I would be hanging out with my surro and her husband at an Outkast show, I wouldn't have believed you. We did that last weekend, and it wasn't the first time the four of us have hung out together. <br />
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Sure, we mostly see one another at doctors appointments (which are weekly at this point) but we have also done a ton of socializing with them sans doctors. The first time we hung out was early in our surrogacy journey- in fact, Ellen was just six or seven weeks pregnant. We were at a festival with a bunch of our friends and Ellen and Chris had a night without the kids- in fact I think it was their anniversary. I remember being really excited and kind of shocked that they chose to spend their anniversary with us. I was a little nervous about introducing them to my friends (would they fit in? how would we explain how we knew them?) but everything went great. We played cornhole and giant Jenga and had a blast. It was then then I discovered Ellen and Chris share the same competitive nature that Jason and I share. They gave us a ride back to our place that night and we figured they would just drop us off. To our surprise, they came in and we hung out for a couple more hours just the four of us. It was a really nice day and it showed us that we weren't just going to be surrogate/intended parents- we were going to be friends. <br />
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Since that first outing, we've spent time together at family gatherings (Easter and 4th of July), the Dragon Con parade, multiple visits to the zoo, a Willy Wonka musical and now, a concert. Each time we hang out is better than the last. We are all just so compatible. And the family gatherings...well they are really special too. Ellen has a huge family (she is one of six kids, who all have plenty of kids themselves-fertility is clearly not an issue for the Courts). We met the whole family for the first time on Easter. Ellen was just six weeks pregnant and I was still feeling pretty nervous about everything since we had just had a bleeding scare the week prior. I was also nervous about meeting everyone- I wasn't sure how they would feel about this strange couple who had enlisted Ellen to carry their child. They couldn't have been more welcoming. In fact, I was blown away when Ellen's mother handed me- ME- a gift just as we were leaving. She gave me some parenting books and a pillow that Ellen had made in home-ec in high school (that she hoped we might share with Baby O one day) and the most special, supportive card. Jason spent most of the day playing corn hole with Chris and Ellen's brothers and brothers-in-law (Jason and Chris were undefeated!), we participated in an adult Easter Egg hunt/white elephant exchange (I scored some much-needed wine glasses) and we feasted on the most amazing food. It was a really blissful day.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijD6T57Cl_9jPI3JDb_j80nDQJgyMxWTHhZ8sgOuJIyD7KQcELAEv-XqHv_48wkqZLdsPKfmSQ9bujmE6hg2mEJ5fhLjZP79ROhFqX_iIf7VGDIqJyeNax2t00lVInox_tctEPzPmYb7I/s640/blogger-image--958575177.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijD6T57Cl_9jPI3JDb_j80nDQJgyMxWTHhZ8sgOuJIyD7KQcELAEv-XqHv_48wkqZLdsPKfmSQ9bujmE6hg2mEJ5fhLjZP79ROhFqX_iIf7VGDIqJyeNax2t00lVInox_tctEPzPmYb7I/s640/blogger-image--958575177.jpg" width="425" /></a></div>
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As we approach the end of the pregnancy (we are almost at 31 weeks) I can't help wonder what the friendship will look like when the baby is no longer the thread that binds us. Ellen and I still text multiple times a day. Is that going to change? I hope not. I think I will have withdrawals if it does. Will we still hang out as a foursome? I hope so. Ellen and Chris are among our favorite couples to spend time with. Will we grow apart when our lives are consumed with sleepless nights, tummy-time, and a crying baby? Perhaps. But hopefully not for long. Baby O brought us together but I'm hoping our friendship endures long after his birth. And speaking of birth- today is Ellen's day of birth! Wishing the happiest of birthdays to one of my favorite people in the world (and I would say that even if she wasn't carrying my baby!)<br />
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-68798275900090664862014-09-06T08:25:00.002-07:002014-09-06T15:11:59.205-07:00Out of the closetMonday August 25th was a big day for us. We went back to the doctor to check up on Baby O, saw our first 4-d ultrasound, and since those things went well- we finally came out on FB!<br>
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Over the years of trying to conceive, FB has been a somewhat treacherous place for me. In fact, there was a period of time after my last miscarriage when I couldn't go on FB at all. I remember being at the mall on Black Friday with my mother, just after learning that I would never be able to carry a baby since our last grand effort had once again ended in heartbreak. I was standing in line to make a purchase and checking FB as I often do to pass time. My sister-in-law had just had her baby and she posted an adorable photo of him with the words "Beyond Grateful this year". I had such a visceral reaction to that post because I was feeling exactly the opposite at that moment. I was bitter and sad and feeling sorry for myself. And mad at myself for having these feelings because I should be feeling happy about my sweet baby nephew. I burst into tears and had to leave the store, leaving my mom to make the purchase. I crumbled when I got into the mall area and just fell apart. So much so that a sweet elderly women came up and asked me if I was okay. In that moment I wasn't.<br>
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At the same time, if it weren't for FB, I never would have met Ellen. So while I have at times hated FB and all its ultrasound pictures, birth announcements and Mother's Day tributes, I also have a special place in my heart for the social media time-suck.<br>
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Several years ago, I saw an acquaintance had "liked" someone's FB status and it stuck with me. It was something to the effect of "After years of shots and fertility clinics we are excited to announce that we are finally expecting". For once, I saw a pregnancy announcement that wasn't painful to read. I remember thinking "One day I will make make a pregnancy announcement on FB similar to that one. " I vowed that my announcement would not make people want to unfollow me, but instead would inspire hope in those who were also struggling and let them know that they were not alone. Over the years when we did get pregnant, Jason and I crafted various mock announcements to that end. When we miscarried a part of me was convinced I had somehow jinxed the pregnancy by drafting an announcement too soon. So it was pretty scary when we finally hit "post" on the status update that Monday, but at 25 weeks with a positive report from the specialist we felt like we were finally ready to come out of the infertility closet.<br>
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After many, many revisions, this is what Jason and I came up with:<br>
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<i><span class="userContent">Starting a family has not been as easy for <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1218638649" href="https://www.facebook.com/jason.oransky">Jason</a>
and I as we had hoped. Our journey to parenthood has been filled with
countless doctors visits, shots, tears and heartbreak. Because of the
incredible selflessness of our amazing gestational<span class="text_exposed_show"> surrogate <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1099953984" href="https://www.facebook.com/ellen.marston">Ellen</a> and her husband <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1404454497" href="https://www.facebook.com/chris.marston">Chris</a>,
Jason and I are so grateful to announce that we are finally expecting a
baby boy. After nearly five years and four miscarriages, we are 25
weeks closer than we've ever been to holding our son. Thank you Ellen
and Chris for giving us the chance to become a family. We love you
guys! <br> <br> While we feel extremely blessed to have a child on the
way, we are also painfully aware of many people who are struggling to
have children of their own and others who are still waiting to find the
right partner to start their family with. No matter where you are in
your personal journey, try not to lose sight of the hope and
possibilities to come. Life may not always be what we expected, but
sometimes the unexpected can be a wonderful blessing. <br> <br> For
those interested, we have a blog initially intended to help us find our
surrogate (it worked!) and later to document our journey. Here's a link
to our first post way back in January. </span></span></i><br>
<br>
<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show">We received a great deal of love and support. Several people privately reached out to both Jason and I and thanked us for sharing in the way that we did. Others shared their own personal struggles. Many commented that they had no idea that we were going through such a hard time. One friend suggested that it must have been awkward for us to share with the world the unconventional road we took to get our child. Actually, awkward was not the word I would use. Instead, it actually felt liberating. For so many years we had this private pain that no one knew about. And then we had this amazing exciting news that we didn't feel comfortable sharing yet. So when we finally go to this place where we could actually exhale and believe that this was really happening- that there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel- I couldn't wait to finally shout it from the rooftops. </span></span><br>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show">I can't pretend to know what its like to come out of the closet as a gay individual, but I do think we got a glimpse of what it feels like when we finally shared our news on FB. You have this part of you that only a select few know about, a part you hide from others, a part that at times you feel ashamed about. And then, one day, you finally get to the courage to be your authentic self. Obviously, there wasn't the fear of being rejected or ostracized that so many gay individuals unfairly face. But there was this sense of being exposed. Of being vulnerable. Of letting others see something that you have kept hidden. The truth is, 1 in 6 couples have difficulty conceiving. And most don't talk about it. One <a href="http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-survey-finds-infertility-delivers-a-serious-blow-to-self-esteem-82242177.html">study</a> of infertile couples conducted by a pharmaceutical company found that 61% hide their struggles from family and friends. Seven in ten women said that infertility makes them feel flawed, while half of the men say it makes them feel inadequate. It's a shame that something so common is so taboo.</span></span><br>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show">This is especially true in Hollywood, where woman in their forties regularly conceive twins without any mention of using assisted reproductive technology and women in their mid-to-late forties have babies with out any mention of using a donor egg. Its rare when folks in Hollywood speak publicly about their infertility challenges. I've been a fan of Jimmy Fallon ever since I first saw his <a href="http://www.wimp.com/raphistory/">"History of Rap"</a>
with my favorite Justin Timberlake. My love for Jimmy grew
exponentially when he so bravely "came out' on national television. For those that don't know, Jimmy shared that he and his wife struggled to have a baby for five years. When they finally went the surrogate route, they didn't tell a soul, but mostly because they had shared many times before and it didn't work out so they decided to keep this pregnancy just between the two of them (a perk to having a surrogate is i'ts much easier to hide that you are expecting!). Two weeks after the birth of their daughter, Jimmy shared his story on the Today show. Here's a clip in case you missed it: </span></span><br>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span><a name="more"></a>While it wasn't the Today Show, and we certainly aren't in Hollywood, it still felt kind of big sharing the news on a forum that is usually meant to showcase only the good stuff in our lives. Our journey to parenthood has been the hardest thing Jason and I have ever experienced and though we are not there yet, we are 95 days closer to meeting our little man and it feels really, really good to be out! kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-7184495272365747752014-08-15T21:20:00.001-07:002014-08-16T04:06:42.824-07:00Previa UpdateIn preparation for our appointment with the Maternal-Fetal Specialist, I scoured the internet to come up with a list of questions for the doctor. Here's what I found:<br>
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-Is the previa centralized over the cervix? <br>
-Is the previa anterior (on the front of the uterus) or posterior (at the back)?<br>
-How far away from or over the os is the previa (the os is the opening to the cervix) <br>
-How many cm from the os does the placenta need to be for a vaginal delivery?<br>
-How likely is it that the placenta will move?<br>
-What are the activity restrictions?<br>
-How much weight can be lifted?<br>
-How much housework can be done? Walking?<br>
-Is the cervical length greater than 30 mm (my research told me that chances of hemorrhaging and emergency c-section increases when cervical length is less than 30mm) <br>
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As usual, the tech wouldn't give us too much information but when I asked if she could at least tell us if the previa was centralized over the uterus, she said "It looks like it moved". Really?!? Awesome! She didn't tell us how far it had moved but we were super-excited to hear that it had already started movin' on up. I put a "No!" next to my first question. We asked her how long the cervix was and she told us 34mm. Awesome! I wrote that next to my last question. We got to spend a lot of time just watching Baby O wiggle away while she took some measurements and then waited for the doctor to come in.<br>
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When the doctor arrived, he began asking questions about Ellen's age and the age of the egg (I was 40 at the time of retrieval) and then said that normally when a mother is 40 he likes to see her weekly during the third trimester. Although Ellen isn't 40 yet (she'll be 37 in October) he said he would like to err on the side of caution and treat her as if. That's my kind of doctor! Initially, he said he would plan on seeing us again in 4 weeks. As he kept looking, he mentioned that Baby O is measuring a bit small (in the sixth percentile) so he wanted to just keep an eye on him. He said he would follow his progress and if still appeared small towards the end of the pregnancy, we would just take him a week or two early. This seemed counter-intuitive to me at first as it seems like he should cook as long as he can if he is small, but it appears that if a baby is no longer growing and getting the nourishment he needs inside the uterus, it makes more sense to take him earlier where he can be nourished outside. After looking at our tiny Baby O, he decided he wanted to see us a week earlier and said we should come back in three weeks.<br>
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He continued the ultrasound without any mention of the placenta and I finally asked, "What about the previa?". To our shock and amazement, he said "Previa's gone". What?!? Gone, gone??? Yes. GONE. He said if anything it was low-lying. We couldn't believe it. When the tech said it had moved, I thought she meant maybe it had started moving out of the way and was beginning to move in the right direction. But to hear the doctor say it was gone?!? I was floored. We asked if this is typical to see complete placenta previa resolve in two and a half weeks. He told us he hadn't done the first ultrasound so couldn't verify it was complete, but that while previa does move, it is rare to see it move so quickly. BABY O IS SUCH A GOOD LISTENER!!!!<br>
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While we are super-relieved, we aren't able to exhale just yet. As the doctor continued with his ultrasound he noticed an abnormality near Ellen's cervix. He said there appeared to be a "v" shape near the cervix. Ellen asked if this was funneling and the doctor said he didn't think so. (meanwhile, I'm wondering what funneling is!). The doctor said he didn't think the "v" was coming from the cervix, but if it was it could be indicative of the cervix prematurely opening (hence the funnel shape). He mentioned that it was too late to do a stich, but that it could be treated with progesterone. He also used the term "incompetent cervix". While I wasn't familiar with the term funneling, I had heard of the term incompetent cervix (it certainly sounds ominous!) and was aware of the term "stitch". A stitch refers to a cervical cerclage, which is basically a suture to sew the cervix shut to prevent premature labor. My research later told me that this is usually done during weeks 12-14 of a pregnancy- so at nearly 23 weeks we were definitely too late. This of course, was all only hypothetical. The doctor really didn't seem to think that we needed to be concerned, but because he is my new favorite doctor, he decided to move up our follow-up visit. Now, instead of the four weeks he originally stated, and then the three weeks, he decided it was best to see us in two weeks. This is fine by me!<br>
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I'm going to treat the next two weeks differently than I did the last two and choose to not stress about this. The doctor didn't really seem overly-concerned, the cervix is still nice and long, and he is on top of things. The good news is- its an excuse for us to get another peek at Baby O. Hopefully next time we see him he'll be growing bigger and that "v" will be gone just like the previa is! <br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby O- 22w5d</td></tr>
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kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-23495622676542219562014-08-08T10:20:00.001-07:002014-08-08T10:20:03.232-07:00Movin' On Up - Ellen's take on the previa <iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/MYcqToQzzGY" width="480"></iframe><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Let me start by reiterating that I have been so fortunate to have 4 healthy, full term, textbook pregnancies and deliveries. So #5 should be a cake walk, right? Right! My medical history is part of the reason Jason and Kerri chose me and trust me to safely nurture baby O for 9+ months. I wasn't expecting the doctor to say I had placenta previa. As Kerri stated, the doctor was a little nonchalant about it. Which frankly pissed me off afterward, but thinking back, I think she also didn't want to cause undue alarm and worry. Either way, I wish we had had a few more minutes then to process the news and get some more info before we left. It's no secret that Kerri and I are a little obsessive with googling and researching everything we can along this journey, so the previa has gotten more than its fair share of googling. Kerri and I are much on the same page with our feelings on this. I can say ditto to many of the things she is feeling.</span><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">ANGER - I'm not so angry at the doctor now as I was initially. I am, however, angry with my body. I've done this drill before. My body knows what to do and how to carry and deliver a baby. It's pretty awesome at it, actually, which is partly why I'm doing this to begin with. So I'm angry with my body for causing this fluke thing and not doing what it's supposed to. </span><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">SCARED - To say I'm scared would be an understatement. I'm scared of hemorrhaging, I'm scared of delivering early, I'm scared of bed rest, and I'm mostly scared of letting down Kerri & Jason. The placenta previa has been consuming me. It's all I can think about, which I know isn't healthy or logical. I didn't do anything to cause it. Nor can I fix it. All the worry and fear in the world isn't going to change it. It's likely going to fix itself. So why can't I make myself stop??</span><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">GUILT - You betcha! Guilty that after all Kerri and Jason have been through, now this. In the second trimester, which is supposed to be the easy one! They have entrusted me to carry and nurture their baby, and my body has caused this worry and fear for them. And guilty that impending bed rest could cost them more money. Sure when we signed the contract we all knew it was a possibility, but one we never hoped to face. </span><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">SAD - Yep. Like I said. Sad that this should be the worry free part of the pregnancy. Kerri and Jason should be registering and preparing for baby O's arrival, not worried about me, or the well being of little O. </span><br /><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">We have an appointment with the perinatologist next week, so hoping to be able to report that all this stress and worry was for naught and that bitchy placenta has indeed, moved on up! I don't care if it's the east or west side, so long it migrates up from the south. ;) </span><br /><br />
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This homage to Ludacris is now our morning mantra. By Bitch we mean Placenta. That Placenta best get out the way of the cervix or there are going to be a lot of unhappy people. As I mentioned in my last post, we did a bit of googling and questioning on surro boards about placenta previa which raised our concerns. Most people mentioned the need for bed rest, or at the least, pelvic rest (meaning no intercourse). We read a lot about the risk of spotting and in worst case scenarios, hemorrhaging which leads to early delivery (like 30 weeks!). Thankfully, Ellen is as proactive as I am when it comes to medical issues so she took it upon herself to email the nurse of her regular doctor to ask more questions. We did not like what we learned. The nurse told Ellen that the doctor that we saw should have advised her to go on pelvic rest. She said it wasn't mandatory but it was strongly recommended. She also said that the doctor saying that in 90% of cases the placenta moves was very optimistic for placenta previa at 20 weeks. UGH.<br />
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It's been a see-saw of emotions for all of us since we got that news. We went from thinking- "minor complication, it will probably resolve itself, no big deal" to- "this could be serious, it could mean bedrest, hemorrhaging (please no more hemorrhaging!) and even a premature baby". Personally, I have a ton of different emotions going on:<br />
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<b><span style="background-color: #eeeeee;">ANGER</span></b>-I'm angry at that doctor for letting us think that everything was fine, for not giving us correct information and for minimizing things. And I'm angry that things are not fine. Really?!? Haven't we been through enough? Can't we just have a normal pregnancy? I mean, clearly it's not a normal pregnancy- but does it have to be even less normal now? Enough already!<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;"><b><span style="color: black;">SCARED</span></b>- <span style="color: black;">I'm scared to death that something is going to happen to this baby. I'm scared that he will come early- maybe too early to make it or so early that he ends up having lots of problems. I'm scared that if he might need more care than the NICU at Piedmont Henry County Hospital can offer him. At night, I lie awake worrying about things like should he be delivered at Northside where they have a Level 4 NICU and specialize in taking care of micro-preemies??? And then I worry that we can't even do that now even if we wanted to since we have submitted our PBO (pre-birth order) that says he will be delivered at Piedmont. And really, is delivering at Northside even realistic? Northside is really far from Ellen (I mapped the distance- its 45 miles away as opposed to 7.7 miles away). Obviously that doesn't make any sense in an emergent situation. I'm scared for Ellen too- scared that she will have an emergent situation such as a hemorrhage- which I don't wish on anyone.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: black;"><b>GUILT-</b></span> <span style="color: black;">I feel guilty about Ellen having to go on pelvic rest. This is not what she (or Chris) signed up for. I know many pregnant women aren't interested in intercourse as they start to grow bigger- but she's still pretty small and I'd rather it be her choice, not the doctor's choice. I feel guilty about the likelihood of her having a C-section. Ellen has only had all natural deliveries. Like, not even an epidural. I'm pretty sure she's never had a surgery in her life. </span></span>I feel bad that she may have to have a surgery now because she is carrying our baby. I feel guilty about the possibility of her having to go on bed rest. Ellen has a full-time job. She's a mom- and not just a "let the kids watch TV while she sits around eating bon-bons" kind of mom. She very involved with her three kids and they are very active- they're at the ball field almost every day during season. I feel guilty about the possibility of taking her away from all those things to lay in bed. Because of our baby. And I feel guilty that Ellen has to worry about these things too. <br />
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<b>SAD</b> I'm sad that all of these feelings are getting in the way of us enjoying what should be a really happy time for us. A good friend of mine offered to help me register this weekend. She has 6 1/2 year old triplets who are at the grandparents this weekend so she has a rare window of free time to help me with this. I was all excited about going, but then the fear crept in. Is it too soon? Should we wait to see what happens with the previa? What if I jinx things? I ultimately decided to take a rain check on registering. I want to enjoy that process whole-heartedly and I know with all these other emotions happening I can't really do that just yet. Sigh.<br />
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<b>ANXIOUS ABOUT THE COSTS</b>- I can't deny that this has been a concern for me as well. Pregnancy complications come with additional costs to Intended Parents. We are responsible for Ellen's lost wages incurred during bed rest, as well as childcare and housekeeping needs. We will be responsible for additional reimbursement should she need a C-section. At the end of the day, Ellen's health and the health of the baby are most important and you can't but a price tag on that. And yet, there still is one in surrogacy. I'm hopeful we will avoid all of these things but they still remain a concern. <br />
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<b>SCARED</b>- Did I mention that I'm scared? Mostly I'm scared of not knowing what to expect. When the doctor gave us the diagnosis, I barely knew what the term meant, never mind knowing what kind of questions to ask. Are we worrying for nothing? Should we be worrying more? If the chances of it moving aren't 90% then what are they? Not knowing sucks.<br />
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So, what do I do with all of these emotions? Well, for starters I decided I needed to understand more about placenta previa and its implications. And while Doctor Google can be both a valuable resource and a curse, I decided it would probably be best to seek the expertise of an actual doctor. I asked Ellen if going to a specialist would make her feel better or worse and she agreed it would help to get more information. A couple of my friends recommended some Maternal-Fetal Specialists in Atlanta, but Ellen was concerned about the distance and additional time off of work (since she may need that time for bedrest/c-section) so we decided to start out at the local Maternal-Fetal Specialist that her OB recommends and seek a second opinion if we felt it was necessary. It took us about a week to get that appointment scheduled but I can already feel myself exhaling a bit knowing we will get some answers soon. Doctor Google has helped give me a list of questions to ask from sites like <a href="http://placentaprevia.wordpress.com/">Placenta Previa:Stuff I Learned Staying Up All Night .</a> I cracked up at 4am when I read that subtitle- good to know I wasn't the only one researching at all hours due to this diagnosis! I'm looking forward to getting some of my questions answered next week. In the mean time, I'll keep singing Luda's anthem! I might need to add a little Tom Petty in there too...<br />
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<br />kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-91109257604253675612014-08-01T15:53:00.002-07:002014-08-01T16:05:19.462-07:00Whoa-oh we're halfway there....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So I know its been a while since I've posted. I've been slacking a bit, but we've also been pretty busy. Right after my last post we went on our Baby-Moon! For those of you unfamiliar with this term, this is a vacation that you take with your spouse before the baby arrives- sort of like the last hurrah before life forever changes. Jason and I went to Costa Rica and had a blast! Unlike most women on baby-moons, I got to enjoy adult beverages- one of the perks to having a surrogate. I also got to do a lot of adventurous things that most expectant mothers can't do. We went white-water rafting, repelled down a 165 foot waterfall, went surfing and horseback riding. I even started drinking coffee for the first time! (I figured now is as good a time as any to to introduce that magic elixir to help me get through the sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood.)<br />
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Normally after a trip like that, there is a sense of sadness that comes from getting back to reality. And yet for us, we were excited because we had our 20 week ultrasound the following week. We hadn't gotten a peek at Baby O since our 13 week ultrasound so we were really excited to see him. We did get a chance to hear his heartbeat at week 16 but almost had a heart attack of our own in the process. Since the appointment was really just for bloodwork, we didn't attend in person but did have her Facetime us in when it was time to listen to the heartbeat. Unlike previous appointments when the ultrasound tech is able to visualize the heart on the screen, this time the doctor was using a doppler on Ellen's abdomen to locate the heartbeat. We made our introductions on the iphone screen and excitedly waited to hear that magical sound. And waited. And waited. We started out all smiles, but after about a minute (which felt like hours) our smiles quickly faded. Why is it taking so long?<i> Please tell me it's still there. </i> Wait- did I just hear it, but now its gone? <i> Please tell me its not an intermittent heartbeat again. </i> We asked the doctor if it was normal to have trouble finding it and she assured us that it was- the fetus is still tiny at this point and it's hard to locate without the benefit of visual help. Finally after what felt like eons- we heard that beautiful thump, thump thumping. I felt an enormous sense of relief. Jason? Well, these pictures will give you an idea of how Jason felt.</div>
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This, my friends, is what PTSD looks like. Jason texted me hours after our the appointment and said "I'm not gonna lie. I'm still rattled from this morning". That's what four plus years of disappointment does to a person. Even though we ultimately got good news, those long moments of waiting-of not knowing what was going on- of thinking the worst because that's what we've grown so accustomed to-- are hard to shake.<br />
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We were hoping our 20 week appointment would go better than the last little scare and for the most part, it did. Chris joined us for this appointment too which was a pleasant surprise. Immediately, we saw Baby O wiggling away. He even waved to us! On impulse I started waving back until Chris reminded me that he was not actually up on the ultrasound monitor and instead in Ellen's belly. Oh yeah. Whoops. Here's what Baby O looked like at his 20 week ultrasound.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bottoms up picture- proof that he's a boy! </td></tr>
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As I said, for the most part the appointment went well. We were all smiles when we met with the doctor (who we are pretty sure just finished her residency in 2012). She told us everything looks great with Baby O. He is measuring on time and appears to be developing appropriately. She ended by telling us there was a small concern- Ellen apparently has placenta previa. No big deal she told us. It just means her placenta in blocking the cervix. 90% of the time the placenta moves, she assured us. If not, Ellen will just need a C-section. No big deal, she said.</div>
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This is the four of us after the appointment. We were smiling then, but that was before Dr. Google and FB informed us that placenta previa may not be as innocuous as that Doogie Howser doctor led us to believe. More about that in a future post....until then, we are excited that we are half-way there, but as the song goes...we're still Livin' on a Prayer. </div>
kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-54892439870349875042014-07-07T20:40:00.000-07:002014-07-07T20:40:11.151-07:00Crying Over Spilled (Breast) Milk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been reflecting on the blog lately and realized that since we found out we were expecting, the majority of my posts have been pretty uplifting (pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pics /videos, gender reveal). This makes sense, because that weight that I spoke of in my very first <a href="http://www.jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-we-got-here-and-where-we-are-going.html">post</a> has, for the most part, been lifted. And that absence of the weight has felt great. Ellen is starting to show and for once, I'm not heartbroken when I see a pregnant belly.<br />
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The first time I realized that her growing belly was something that would bring me joy instead of pain was a truly transformative experience. I was honestly nervous about how I might react, afraid that I might feel hurt or jealous. Ellen was sensitive to this as well, letting me know that she would understand if I did feel that way and would honor my need for distance. Thankfully, that hasn't happened. In fact, I find myself asking for belly pics as a means to cheer me up (like when we missed our flight to Key West last week). It has been a relief and a very pleasant surprise to be excited about a baby bump for a change. And I remember thinking, "Yay! I don't have to feel sad about not being pregnant anymore! I'm all fixed!!!"<br />
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HA! Not so fast. Yesterday I had my first tears about not being pregnant since, well, since we became pregnant (sad tears that is, I've had tons of happy tears!). This is what happened. I am a member of numerous surrogacy related FB groups. It's been pretty interesting being part of them- most are full of veteran surrogates who share their feelings (both physical and emotional) regarding their journeys. There are also some IP's (intended parents like me) on the boards, though not quite as many. There is often drama in the groups (a side effect of pregnant, hormonal women perhaps?) and yesterday was no exception. One of the surros was at the contract stage of her journey and she posted a concern to the group related to her IP's not wanting her to nurse/provide breast milk for their baby. She went on to say that breast-feeding is extremely important to her and that she was unsure whether she should go through with the match with IP's who did not share her values about the best start for this baby. She questioned whether she should try to convince them to breastfeed or find new IP's. A debate ensued in the comments thread from surros who agreed with her and told her she should cut and run, and others who said it is not her place to dictate parenting decisions about the baby that she is carrying. Despite the often-heated exchanges, one thing that was agreed upon was clear- "breast is best". Some went so far to say it wasn't merely an opinion, it was a scientific fact. <br />
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As I read all of the comments I became increasingly more uncomfortable and upset. I probably should have stopped reading but it's kind of like a car wreck-its hard to look away. The post triggered several different issues for me. The whole breastfeeding thing definitely hit a nerve. I know about the benefits of nursing and always hoped that I would one day nurse my baby. I knew this might be a challenge even if I had given birth, however, as I had a breast reduction when I was 21 and was told at that time that as a result of the surgery I would only have a 60% chance of being able to successfully breastfeed. Still, I always thought that I would try. When we realized I had to find a surrogate, I was saddened not just by the loss of carrying my child but also about the loss of being able to nurse. Until I discovered something called<a href="http://www.breastfeedingwithoutbirthing.com/the-basics-of-inducing-lactation.html"> inducing lactation.</a> This is essentially a way for mothers via adoption or surrogacy to be able to nurse their babies by taking medication/herbs that allow her body to produce milk. Crazy, huh? It's not a simple process. It usually needs to be started months before the birth and in addition to the meds, involves pumping <b>every three hours! </b>While it sounded quite daunting, I was strongly considering doing it even though I knew my chances of success would be less than most given my history (and success rates in general still aren't great as it is). I just felt like despite doing all I could to make it happen, I was missing out on the experience of pregnancy/giving birth. I didn't want to also miss out on the experience of nursing without doing everything I could to make that happen too.<br />
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Jason and my family felt otherwise. They felt like I had put my body through enough hormones all of these years and didn't want me to continue doing that for something they didn't feel was necessary. Ellen discouraged me as well, telling me it had been really difficult nursing her girls (she only did it for six weeks) and that formula fed kids turned out just fine. She also pointed out that its much easier to formula feed because both parents can be actively involved. She mentioned she thought her husband felt left out in the beginning when she nursed her girls and that Jason might feel like he would be missing out on feeding
the baby if I nursed. Ultimately, I decided not to induce lactation and thought I was okay with that decision.<br />
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Until I read that thread. It just left me feeling very powerless. And less than. And I already feel less than for not being able to hold a pregnancy/give birth. To add salt to the wound, some very well-intentioned commenters were trying to be protective and supportive of IM's so they said things like this <span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".1q.$mid=11404611439017=2804f1904813f725259.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span class="null"> <i>"The thing is, you're lucky that you can have children without having
to involve multiple people and tens of thousands of dollars. You don't
have to sign a contract with someone and hand over control of your
pregnancy. Then when all that's done, as if the infertility and need for
a surrogate wasn't enough, the baby arrives (you finally get to be a
parent) and someone wants you to be accountable to them to feed that
baby.</i>" another said this </span></span><span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".1q.$mid=11404611439017=2804f1904813f725259.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span class="null">"<i>
And maybe you should look at it from her perspective.... For once. She
has sat and watched you get pregnant with her child, stood and watched
the ultra sound... Of her baby... In your belly... Your body ... With
her child. She had to get word from you that her own baby was
kicking.... She didn't feel I it, experience it... You did. She was
robbed of the joy of having her own child grow inside her.....</i>." And that is when I lost it. I thought I was okay with not being pregnant but reading those words hit me like a freight train. </span></span><br />
<span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".1q.$mid=11404611439017=2804f1904813f725259.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span class="null"><br /></span></span>
<span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".1q.$mid=11404611439017=2804f1904813f725259.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span class="null">I shared how I was feeling with Jason, and also shared a video similar to<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz_eq3C69So"> this</a> that a surro had posted on another page</span></span> that made me sad as well. The video depicted an expecting couple, with the mother trying to allow the father to feel their baby kicking with his hand on her belly. He had trouble feeling it. Later, they showed the two in a laboratory with a pregnancy belt strapped to each of them. The belt sent transmissions from the mother to the father each time the baby kicked, so the father was able to experience what it felt like to feel the kicking from the inside. It was fascinating and after I shared it with Jason he said "That's cool". Sure it was cool. If you are a man and you were never supposed to feel a kicking baby. But if you are a woman who can't hold a pregnancy, it feels like just another kick in the gut (no pun intended).<br />
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Jason and I discussed my sadness around these issualles and he was very understanding. He even encouraged me to look further into inducing lactation if I wanted to. We also discussed researching different options like donated milk. (Ellen had told us from the beginning that she didn't want to pump since it was so difficult with her own children and I completely respect that decision*). I immediately went to begin my research (one of my go-to coping skills) and started first by instant messaging an IP that I met in one of the FB groups about my breakdown. I mentioned how I was especially sad because (silly me) I thought I was done with being upset about not being able to get pregnant. She said something that really resonated with me. <i> "The feelings never go away. They just hide for a bit"</i>. Of course. Of course they don't go away. I am still grieving. In fact, I'm only in the early stages of grief. It has only been six months since I came to the realization that I would never carry our child. Just because we got pregnant quickly, just because I have a fabulous relationship with my surro, just because things are going so well, doesn't mean I'm not still experiencing a loss. And just like with anyone experiencing grief, it will come in waves. It will ebb and flow like the tides. And I just got pummeled by a huge wave at high tide. <br />
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Thankfully, I have gotten pretty good at swimming in rough waters. When that wave hit, it was disorienting at first. But, after a while, I was able to start treading water. I found comfort in some FB groups exclusively for IP's (one that I actually started myself a couple of days ago- we're already up to 56 members!) A couple of women in these groups- ones that were actually inducing lactation- reminded that the science behind the whole "breast is best" thing is actually skewed, as it doesn't account for different socio-economic factors. So I did a little more research and found this<a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/is-breast-really-best-new-study-suggests-feeding-babies-from-breast-over-bottle-doesnt-have-impact-we-think-it-does-9157601.html"> article </a>that quotes research that found no significant difference between babies who were breast fed vs formula-fed within the same families- which was very eye-opening to me. Then I found a <a href="http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/about/about-the-fff/">Fearless Formula Feeder</a> site where the author is "Standing Up for Formula Feeders... Without Being a Boob About It". Her goal is to remove the stigma that comes to those who choose to formula feed, either out of choice or necessity.<br />
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Through all of this, I am once again starting to feel okay about my decision not to try to induce lactation. And I am also okay with my tears. I know that the gift that Ellen is giving us, our little boy growing in her belly, is incredibly healing. But the scars from infertility are pretty deep, and the loss is significant. It's okay to feel that too.<br />
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*<i>since the writing of this post, Ellen has actually offered to try pumping for us. I thanked her for her offer and told her I think we are alright with her just trying to get the colostrum (the initial milk that comes out which is high in nutrients and antibodies- like the babies first vaccine). I am so blessed to have a surro who would consider doing that for us despite it being difficult for her, and also happy that I feel okay about not asking her to!</i>kerrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05977493690517372035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-64886546837307546142014-07-04T08:16:00.000-07:002014-07-04T08:16:05.244-07:00So, mommy's having a baby...but it's not ours...<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Post from Ellen. Oh, and happy 4th of July!</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When people find out I'm a surrogate they often ask how my girls feel about it and reacted to the news. Chris and I struggled with deciding when and how to tell them. Kerri and Jason were invited to our Easter celebration and to meet the extended family (and yea...there are a ton of us!). All of our family knew, and we thought it wouldn't be fair for all the adults there to know what was going on, and keep the girls in the dark. While we were very early in the pregnancy, having just gotten our positive betas, were all cautiously optimistic, but didn't want to tell the girls we were pregnant, and then have to deliver bad news if anything happened. We kept putting it off, and finally decided to tell them a few days before. They had met Kerri, who they just knew as a friend of mine, and of course had heard us talk about Jason. We were at dinner and the conversation went like this:</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: So, I have something to tell y'all...</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Girls: (Staring blankly at me like uh oh...what's she about to say...)</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: Remember when I had A for S & C?</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Girls: (Still staring...wondering where this is going...)</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: Well, you know Kerri and Jason? They want a baby, and need a little help having one, so mommy is going to carry their baby for them. Actually I'm already pregnant, but it's super early, so you don't have to go shouting from the rooftops just yet.</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Girls: (Eyes lighting up, like I can see the cartoon light bulbs going off over their collective heads)</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Claire: (Who is 12, going on 22, gorgeous, smart, and uber talented, even if she can be a crazy pre-teen brat) That's why you've been going to the doctor a lot! I knew something was up!! Wait...is it going to be our half-sibling like A?</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: ( uh oh...here comes the biology/anatomy lesson at dinner) Nope, it's not related to us at all. It's Jason and Kerri's embryo. The doctor mixed Jason's sperm with Kerri's egg, they froze the embryo, then transferred it to me. Cool, huh! </span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Lily: (Lily just turned 10. She is the sweetheart. Can be very sensitive, and quiet, but is so funny, cutest dimples ever, and is my nurturing little mama) Can we keep the baby for like a month before Jason and Kerri take it home?! </span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: Um, no. We can't keep the baby.</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Lily: (looks disappointed) Well, can I at least hold it in the hospital?</span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Me: Of course. I'm sure Jason and Kerri will let you hold the baby. </span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">Nora: (who is 7, sassy, precocious, funny, crazy, and adorable. That girl can get away with anything) Shew...before you said it was for Jason and Kerri I was like nuh uh, no way, you are not bringing a baby in my house! </span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">At this point Chris and I looked across the table at each other and we just smiled at each other. I was (and am) so proud of them. I don't know why I expected them to react any differently than they did. They are incredible kids, and have been our biggest cheerleaders. They constantly ask questions about the baby, and Nora even offered a name suggestion...Carlos (idk where she got that), but I'm sure Jason and Kerri put it on their short list. ;) My girls are the reason I am a surrogate. They are my pride and joy. My world. My reason for being. (Being crazy at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything.) I look at my girls and I cannot imagine anyone wanting to experience the joy of parenthood, and not being able to. If I can help Jason and Kerri have that, why wouldn't I? </span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Georgia;">So my suggestion for surrogates regarding when and how to tell their kids is that it really varies. There are so many variables: how old are they? how mature? what is the relationship like with the IPs? what are the pros and cons to telling them sooner rather than later? For us, our timing worked out perfectly. I also suggest that you tell them just enough to satisfy their curiosity. I told my girls that they can also ask me any questions they have about the whole process and I will answer them honestly. And if there is a question I can't answer, I'll research and ask around until I can answer it. Surrogacy isn't just about the surro. It's also about her husband, children, and extended family as well. I am so lucky in that my family supports this journey whole-heartedly. Thrills me that Jason and Kerri have become a part of our family, hopefully forever, and to me that's the perfect surrogacy relationship. </span>Ellenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11745896412231613965noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6151300641693362175.post-81686225856555505942014-06-21T09:39:00.000-07:002014-06-21T09:39:38.080-07:00Guest Post: Jason's Take <div class="ii gt m146b47cdcfe0d673 adP adO" id=":1c7">
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Before I delve into my "assigned" blog post I would like to preface it with some thoughts I am having at the moment.<br />
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Writing for others to read has always been an arduous process for me. In HS and college I can remember staying up until the weee hours of the morning trying to squeeze out a paper literally one word at a time. I always managed to get it home but it was a painstaking process to say the least. So when Kerri asked me to write a blog post about my sentiments surrounding this journey we have been on, I quickly became reacquainted with all the avoidance tactics I honed as a school boy. Not because I did not want to do it, but because I just did not know where to start.<br />
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I am very thankful Kerri has put so much into this blog. For me it will serve as documentation. We can look back one day and remember exactly how we felt as a very tumultuous chapter in our life ended and a, hopefully, much more joyous one began. As Kerri has already shared, I used to dabble in journaling. I had a journal (not a diary...those are for girls) called "My Book of Thoughts and Various What Nots" that got me through some very angst-ridden years in my early twenties. I also have a journal/workbook that Kerri got me specifically for those who have lost someone close in their life. I do have a few entries in there about my dad although not as many as I wish. As each day passes, I've noticed my brain manages to turn even the most emotionally traumatic events in my life into a continuously more blurry and benign version of itself. These events eventually become just a fact I remember rather than something I can feel. While this may be a healthy protective measure, there is something lost when that occurs. It also amazes me just how much it has actually happened when I go back and read those journal entries from younger me. And then I am thankful that Me-Then decided to leave Me-Now a little reminder of how I felt. So on the one hand this is Me-Now, who will one day be Me-Then, leaving an older Me-Now a little note. Confused? On the other hand, this is also a letter to my unborn son. One day many years from now he can read this post and know how much he meant to me even before he was born.<br />
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I have always felt that fatherhood would be the most important and rewarding journey I would take on in my lifetime. I actually have proof of this! When I was 22 years old, I made a list of goals I wanted to achieve in life. Kerri posted the <a href="http://jasonandkerri.blogspot.com/2014/06/happy-fathers-day-or-how-jason-learned.html">actual list </a> on an earlier entry but it basically went like this. #1 find the love of my life and marry her. (Check!) #2 Have a family with said girl. #3. Seek a career that involved something I love to do. (Check) #4. Raise thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate children. #5 Die Happy. I think I had some other stuff in there involving the peace corps, maybe origami cranes and other things a 20-something dreams up, but those were just lofty ideas for what to do with myself in the mean time. I hadn't figured out yet how I was going to make it happen, but the gist of what I wanted was to build a life around family and a job I loved going to. I knew that if I had those things #5 would pretty much take care of itself. And...never in a million years would it have occurred to me that the process of trying to achieve # 2 would become the most emotionally and spiritually challenging battle of my life! I know that sounds dramatic, and I really don't like to be dramatic, but it is the truth. It would probably take me a month of writing every day to capture the true gambit of emotions I have gone through over the past 4 1/2 years. Luckily Kerri has pretty much done that for me. I do think, however, the impact of infertility on the guy is often perceived be to more indirect. Like...this is really hard on the girl which then makes it hard on the guy. As if to say, having a child would never mean as much to me as it does Kerri. That somehow this is just more emotionally difficult for a woman. I've had a few people suggest that to me over the years, but I can tell you this journey has pushed me to the brink of what I thought I could handle emotionally. On the flip side I've learned about ideas I thought I knew about but hadn't had the life experiences to truly grasp. Compassion...you never know what someone is going through, just make an effort to be kind. Perspective...Yes this really really sucks, but every day has something to be grateful for. Even if it's a little thing. If some days you just feel like wallowing, that's okay too. Persistence...my father-in-law's favorite word. Sometimes you have to dig deep and fight for what you really want in life. For Better or Worse...Oh now I understand what we promised back then. Ultimately, the adversity provided me the opportunity to become a better version of who I was before. Regardless of how it happens, that's always a good thing.<br />
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Physically, however, Kerri was definitely required to take on much more which I suppose adds to the emotional tole as well. Dietary changes, surgeries, hundreds of shots, daily bloodwork, D&C's, hemorrhages, the list goes on. What Kerri physically put herself through is staggering to think about. It blows my mind and just makes me admire and love her even more. (If you still don't believe that women are tougher than men, just watch a season of Naked and Afraid.) I was obviously naive, but I always assumed having children was just a
decision you made when the time was right. (or of course when the time
isnt right but you just wanted your jollys) Crackheads seem to be able
to do it just fine, right? As for me, I was pretty much asked to go into a little room with smut mags and summon the troops. Umm...I think I can handle that. So when we made the decision to follow the path of surrogacy I was just really relieved she would no longer be putting her body through the physical grind that became so routine for her over the years.<br />
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I cannot proceed without mentioning just how amazing our surrogate Ellen, her husband Chris, their three girls (Claire, Lily, and Nora), her mother Sally, and the rest of their extended family (there are a lot of them!) have been. They have embraced us with so much love, I can honestly say all of the heartache has been worth what we will have in the end. Not just a baby that is ours. One half me, and one half Kerri. But also this amazing family that I know will be a big part of our lives going forward. I can't tell you what forces are at work that lead the people we meet into our lives, but this one just feels like the work of something special. A gift. And I am forever grateful.<br />
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I meant to say more about my thoughts on becoming a dad. My feelings the day Kerri surprised me with the news. I knew Ellen was really good at making little humans and if she could just get pregnant we would have a pretty good shot of making it all the way this time. For documentation purposes I will say that the collective weight of everything we had been through up to that point had become so heavy during that 2 week wait, I was literally having a hard time breathing. It felt like I had a 300 lb person sitting on my chest. I was in pretty bad shape, maybe worse than Kerri at that point. I was just so scared of the idea of this not working. Feeling that blow. Like a huge wave that hits you. First it pulls you under. Then emotional disorientation. Swimming in that for a bit. Fighting to find the surface. And then summoning the strength to keep swimming. That was a<br />
feeling I had become much to familiar with, and it had become just really exhausting. This HAD to work because I just did not know how I would be able to do all that again. Then Kerri gave me that card. I was so confused, and kind of annoyed because she had presented it as a bridal shower card for a friend. And then I saw Ellen's "I'm pregnant and/or I just pooped my shorts" look in that pic and it clicked. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Just raw emotion and gratitude.<br />
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The doubt, fear and worry does not fade immediately. Slowly, however, with each passing week and each milestone cleared I can feel my brain letting go of the weight. We are expecting a boy in Dec. and we are at no more risk than any other normal pregnancy at 15 weeks. If we are lucky, things proceed as they are and I get to hold my little guy in December, my brain will do that trick I mentioned in the beginning. All the pain and emotion will just become little facts I remember. Luckily we will have this blog as a reminder of the emotions that went into it all as well. Maybe some of the lessons we learned along the way will even help our son find comfort in his inevitably difficult times. But for now, for the first time in a long time, I just feel content. Like I'm in my current, floating along on a perfect day with a beer in hand and Kerri by my side. It feels pretty good and I'm just gonna enjoy every minute of it.<br />
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<b>EDITOR'S NOTE:</b> This pic was taken six years ago, on Jason's 30th birthday camping trip. When Kerri read Jason's post, she reminded him that they actually had a picture of exactly what he described.<br />
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