Out of the closet

Monday August 25th was a big day for us.  We went back to the doctor to check up on Baby O, saw our first 4-d ultrasound, and since those things went well-  we finally came out on FB!

Over the years of trying to conceive, FB has been a somewhat treacherous place for me.  In fact, there was a period of time after my last miscarriage when I couldn't go on FB at all.  I remember being at the mall on Black Friday with my mother, just after learning that I would never be able to carry a baby since our last grand effort had once again ended in heartbreak.  I was standing in line to make a purchase and checking FB as I often do to pass time.  My sister-in-law had just had her baby and she posted an adorable photo of him with the words "Beyond Grateful this year".  I had such a visceral reaction to that post because I was feeling exactly the opposite at that moment.  I was bitter and sad and feeling sorry for myself.  And mad at myself for having these feelings because I should be feeling happy about my sweet baby nephew.  I burst into tears and had to leave the store, leaving my mom to make the purchase.  I crumbled when I got into the mall area and just fell apart.  So much so that a sweet elderly women came up and asked me if I was okay.  In that moment I wasn't.

At the same time, if it weren't for FB, I never would have met Ellen.  So while I have at times hated FB and all its ultrasound pictures, birth announcements and Mother's Day tributes, I also have a special place in my heart for the social media time-suck.

Several years ago,  I saw an acquaintance had "liked" someone's FB status and it stuck with me.  It was something to the effect of "After years of shots and fertility clinics we are excited to announce that we are finally expecting".  For once, I saw a pregnancy announcement that wasn't painful to read.  I remember thinking "One day I will make make a pregnancy announcement on FB similar to that one. " I vowed that my announcement would not make people want to unfollow me, but instead would inspire hope in those who were also struggling and let them know that they were not alone.  Over the years when we did get pregnant, Jason and I crafted various mock announcements to that end.  When we miscarried a part of me was convinced I had somehow jinxed the pregnancy by drafting an announcement too soon.  So it was pretty scary when we finally hit "post" on the status update that Monday, but at 25 weeks with a positive report from the specialist we felt like we were finally ready to come out of the infertility closet.

After many, many revisions, this is what Jason and I came up with:

Starting a family has not been as easy for Jason and I as we had hoped. Our journey to parenthood has been filled with countless doctors visits, shots, tears and heartbreak. Because of the incredible selflessness of our amazing gestational surrogate Ellen and her husband Chris, Jason and I are so grateful to announce that we are finally expecting a baby boy. After nearly five years and four miscarriages, we are 25 weeks closer than we've ever been to holding our son. Thank you Ellen and Chris for giving us the chance to become a family. We love you guys!

While we feel extremely blessed to have a child on the way, we are also painfully aware of many people who are struggling to have children of their own and others who are still waiting to find the right partner to start their family with. No matter where you are in your personal journey, try not to lose sight of the hope and possibilities to come. Life may not always be what we expected, but sometimes the unexpected can be a wonderful blessing.

For those interested, we have a blog initially intended to help us find our surrogate (it worked!) and later to document our journey. Here's a link to our first post way back in January. 

We received a great deal of love and support.  Several people privately reached out to both Jason and I and thanked us for sharing in the way that we did. Others shared their own personal struggles.  Many commented that they had no idea that we were going through such a hard time.  One friend suggested that it must have been awkward for us to share with the world the unconventional road we took to get our child. Actually,  awkward was not the word I would use.  Instead, it actually felt liberating.   For so many years we had this private pain that no one knew about.  And then we had this amazing exciting news that we didn't feel comfortable sharing yet.  So when we finally go to this place where we could actually exhale and believe that this was really happening- that there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel- I couldn't wait to finally shout it from the rooftops.  

I can't pretend to know what its like to come out of the closet as a gay individual, but I do think we got a glimpse of what it feels like when we finally shared our news on FB.  You have this part of you that only a select few know about, a part you hide from others, a part that at times you feel ashamed about.  And then, one day, you finally get to the courage to be your authentic self. Obviously, there wasn't the fear of being rejected or ostracized that so many gay individuals unfairly face.  But there was this sense of being exposed. Of being vulnerable. Of letting others see something that you have kept hidden.  The truth is, 1 in 6 couples have difficulty conceiving. And most don't talk about it.  One study of infertile couples conducted by a pharmaceutical company found that 61% hide their struggles from family and friends.  Seven in ten women said that infertility makes them feel flawed, while half of the men say it makes them feel inadequate.  It's a shame that something so common is so taboo.

This is especially true in Hollywood, where woman in their forties regularly conceive twins without any mention of using assisted reproductive technology and women in their mid-to-late forties have babies with out any mention of using a donor egg.  Its rare when folks in Hollywood speak publicly about their infertility challenges. I've been a fan of Jimmy Fallon ever since I first saw his "History of Rap" with my favorite Justin Timberlake.  My love for Jimmy grew exponentially when he so bravely "came out' on national television.  For those that don't know, Jimmy shared that he and his wife struggled to have a baby for five years. When they finally went the surrogate route, they didn't tell a soul, but mostly because they had shared many times before and it didn't work out so they decided to keep this pregnancy just between the two of them (a perk to having a surrogate is i'ts much easier to hide that you are expecting!).  Two weeks after the birth of their daughter, Jimmy shared his story on the Today show. Here's a clip in case you missed it:

While it wasn't the Today Show, and we certainly aren't in Hollywood, it still felt kind of big sharing the news on a forum that is usually meant to showcase only the good stuff in our lives. Our journey to parenthood has been the hardest thing Jason and I have ever experienced and though we are not there yet, we are 95 days closer to meeting our little man and it feels really, really good to be out!

Previa Update

In preparation for our appointment with the Maternal-Fetal Specialist, I scoured the internet to come up with a list of questions for the doctor. Here's what I found:

-Is the previa centralized over the cervix?
-Is the previa anterior (on the front of the uterus) or posterior (at the back)?
-How far away from or over the os is the previa (the os is the opening to the cervix)
-How many cm from the os does the placenta need to be for a vaginal delivery?
-How likely is it that the placenta will move?
-What are the activity restrictions?
-How much weight can be lifted?
-How much housework can be done? Walking?
-Is the cervical length greater than 30 mm (my research told me that chances of hemorrhaging and emergency c-section increases when cervical length is less than 30mm)

As usual, the tech wouldn't give us too much information but when I asked if she could at least tell us if the previa was centralized over the uterus,  she said "It looks like it moved". Really?!? Awesome!  She didn't tell us how far it had moved but we were super-excited to hear that it had already started movin' on up.  I put a  "No!" next to my first question.  We asked her how long the cervix was and she told us 34mm.  Awesome!  I wrote that next to my last question.   We got to spend a lot of time just watching Baby O wiggle away while she took some measurements and then waited for the doctor to come in.

When the doctor arrived, he began asking questions about Ellen's age and the age of the egg (I was 40 at the time of retrieval) and then said that normally when a mother is 40 he likes to see her weekly during the third trimester.  Although Ellen isn't 40 yet (she'll be 37 in October) he said he would like to err on the side of caution and treat her as if.  That's my kind of doctor! Initially,  he said he would plan on seeing us again in 4 weeks.  As he kept looking, he mentioned that Baby O is measuring a bit small (in the sixth percentile) so he wanted to just keep an eye on him.  He said he would follow his progress and if still appeared small towards the end of the pregnancy, we would just take him a week or two early. This seemed counter-intuitive to me at first as it seems like he should cook as long as he can if he is small, but it appears that if a baby is no longer growing and getting the nourishment he needs inside the uterus, it makes more sense to take him earlier where he can be nourished outside.   After looking at our tiny Baby O, he decided he wanted to see us a week earlier and said we should come back in three weeks.

He continued the ultrasound without any mention of the placenta and I finally asked, "What about the previa?".   To our shock and amazement,  he said "Previa's gone".  What?!?  Gone, gone??? Yes. GONE.  He said if anything it was low-lying. We couldn't believe it.  When the tech said it had moved, I thought she meant maybe it had started moving out of the way and was beginning to move in the right direction. But to hear the doctor say it was gone?!? I was floored.  We asked if this is typical to see complete placenta previa resolve in two and a half weeks.  He told us he hadn't done the first ultrasound so couldn't verify it was complete, but that while previa does move, it is rare to see it move so quickly. BABY O IS SUCH A GOOD LISTENER!!!!

While we are super-relieved, we aren't able to exhale just yet.  As the doctor continued with his ultrasound he noticed an abnormality near Ellen's cervix.   He said there appeared to be a "v" shape near the cervix.  Ellen asked if this was funneling and the doctor said he didn't think so.  (meanwhile, I'm wondering what funneling is!). The doctor said he didn't think the "v" was coming from the cervix, but if it was it could be indicative of the cervix prematurely opening (hence the funnel shape).  He mentioned that it was too late to do a stich, but that it could be treated with progesterone.  He also used the term "incompetent cervix".  While I wasn't familiar with the term funneling, I had heard of the term incompetent cervix (it certainly sounds ominous!) and was aware of the term "stitch".  A stitch refers  to a cervical cerclage, which is basically a suture to sew the cervix shut to prevent premature labor. My research later told me that this is usually done during weeks 12-14 of a pregnancy- so at nearly 23 weeks we were definitely too late.  This of course, was all only hypothetical.  The doctor really didn't seem to think that we needed to be concerned, but because he is my new favorite doctor, he decided to move up our follow-up visit.  Now, instead of the four weeks he originally stated, and then the three weeks, he decided it was best to see us in two weeks. This is fine by me!

I'm going to treat the next two weeks differently than I did the last two and choose to not stress about this.  The doctor didn't really seem overly-concerned, the cervix is still nice and long, and he is on top of things.  The good news is- its an excuse for us to get another peek at Baby O.   Hopefully next time we see him he'll be growing bigger and that "v" will be gone just like the previa is!

Baby O- 22w5d

Movin' On Up - Ellen's take on the previa

Let me start by reiterating that I have been so fortunate to have 4 healthy, full term, textbook pregnancies and deliveries.  So #5 should be a cake walk, right?   Right!  My medical history is part of the reason Jason and Kerri chose me and trust me to safely nurture baby O for 9+ months.  I wasn't expecting the doctor to say I had placenta previa.  As Kerri stated, the doctor was a little nonchalant about it.  Which frankly pissed me off afterward, but thinking back, I think she also didn't want to cause undue alarm and worry.  Either way, I wish we had had a few more minutes then to process the news and get some more info before we left.  It's no secret that Kerri and I are a little obsessive with googling and researching everything we can along this journey, so the previa has gotten more than its fair share of googling.  Kerri and I are much on the same page with our feelings on this.  I can say ditto to many of the things she is feeling.



ANGER - I'm not so angry at the doctor now as I was initially.  I am, however, angry with my body.  I've done this drill before.  My body knows what to do and how to carry and deliver a baby.  It's pretty awesome at it, actually, which is partly why I'm doing this to begin with.  So I'm angry with my body for causing this fluke thing and not doing what it's supposed to. 



SCARED - To say I'm scared would be an understatement.  I'm scared of hemorrhaging, I'm scared of delivering early, I'm scared of bed rest, and I'm mostly scared of letting down Kerri & Jason.  The placenta previa has been consuming me.  It's all I can think about, which I know isn't healthy or logical.  I didn't do anything to cause it.  Nor can I fix it.  All the worry and fear in the world isn't going to change it.  It's likely going to fix itself. So why can't I make myself stop??



GUILT - You betcha!  Guilty that after all Kerri and Jason have been through, now this.  In the second trimester, which is supposed to be the easy one!  They have entrusted me to carry and nurture their baby, and my body has caused this worry and fear for them.  And guilty that impending bed rest could cost them more money.  Sure when we signed the contract we all knew it was a possibility, but one we never hoped to face. 



SAD - Yep.  Like I said.  Sad that this should be the worry free part of the pregnancy.  Kerri and Jason should be registering and preparing for baby O's arrival, not worried about me, or the well being of little O. 



We have an appointment with the perinatologist next week, so hoping to be able to report that all this stress and worry was for naught and that bitchy placenta has indeed, moved on up!  I don't care if it's the east or west side, so long it migrates up from the south.  ;)

Move Bitch- Get Out The Way!

This homage to Ludacris  is now our morning mantra.  By Bitch we mean Placenta.  That Placenta best get out the way of the cervix or there are going to be a lot of unhappy people.  As I mentioned in my last post, we did a bit of googling and questioning on surro boards about placenta previa which raised our concerns.  Most people mentioned the need for bed rest, or at the least, pelvic rest (meaning no intercourse).   We read a lot about the risk of spotting and in worst case scenarios, hemorrhaging which leads to early delivery (like 30 weeks!).  Thankfully, Ellen is as proactive as I am when it comes to medical issues so she took it upon herself to email the nurse of her regular doctor to ask more questions.   We did not like what we learned.  The nurse told Ellen that the doctor that we saw should have advised her to go on pelvic rest.  She said it wasn't mandatory but it was strongly recommended.  She also said that the doctor saying that in 90% of cases the placenta moves was very optimistic for placenta previa at 20 weeks.  UGH.

It's been a see-saw of emotions for all of us since we got that news. We went from thinking- "minor complication, it will probably resolve itself, no big deal" to- "this could be serious, it could mean bedrest, hemorrhaging (please no more hemorrhaging!) and even a premature baby".  Personally, I have a ton of different emotions going on:

ANGER-I'm angry at that doctor for letting us think that everything was fine, for not giving us correct information and for minimizing things. And I'm angry that things are not fine.  Really?!? Haven't we been through enough? Can't we just have a normal pregnancy?  I mean, clearly it's not a normal pregnancy- but does it have to be even less normal now?  Enough already!

SCARED- I'm scared to death that something is going to happen to this baby.  I'm scared that he will come early- maybe too early to make it or so early that he ends up having lots of problems.  I'm scared that if he might need more care than the NICU at Piedmont Henry County Hospital can offer him.  At night, I lie awake worrying about things like should he be delivered at Northside where they have a Level 4 NICU and specialize in taking care of micro-preemies???  And then I worry that we can't even do that now even if we wanted to since we have submitted our PBO (pre-birth order) that says he will be delivered at Piedmont.  And really, is delivering at Northside even realistic? Northside is really far from Ellen (I mapped the distance- its 45 miles away as opposed to 7.7 miles away). Obviously that doesn't make any sense in an emergent situation.  I'm scared for Ellen too- scared that she will have an emergent situation such as a hemorrhage- which I don't wish on anyone.

GUILT- I feel guilty about Ellen having to go on pelvic rest. This is not what she (or Chris) signed up for.  I know many pregnant women aren't interested in intercourse as they start to grow bigger- but she's still pretty small and I'd rather it be her choice, not the doctor's choice.  I feel guilty about the likelihood of her having  a C-section. Ellen has only had all natural deliveries.  Like, not even an epidural.  I'm pretty sure she's never had a surgery in her life. I feel bad that she may have to have a surgery now because she is carrying our baby. I feel guilty about the possibility of her having to go on bed rest. Ellen has a full-time job. She's a mom- and not just a "let the kids watch TV while she sits around eating bon-bons" kind of mom.  She very involved with her three kids and they are very active- they're at the ball field almost every day during season.  I feel guilty about the possibility of taking her away from all those things to lay in bed. Because of our baby. And I feel guilty that Ellen has to worry about these things too. 

SAD  I'm sad that all of these feelings are getting in the way of us enjoying what should be a really happy time for us.  A good friend of mine offered to help me register this weekend. She has  6 1/2 year old triplets who are at the grandparents this weekend so she has a rare window of free time to help me with this.  I was all excited about going, but then the fear crept in.  Is it too soon?  Should we wait to see what happens with the previa? What if I jinx things?  I ultimately decided to take a rain check on registering. I want to enjoy that process whole-heartedly and I know with all these other emotions happening I can't really do that just yet. Sigh.

ANXIOUS ABOUT THE COSTS-  I can't deny that this has been a concern for me as well. Pregnancy complications come with additional costs to Intended Parents. We are responsible for Ellen's lost wages incurred during bed rest, as well as childcare and housekeeping needs.  We will be responsible for additional reimbursement should she need a C-section.   At the end of the day, Ellen's health and the health of the baby are most important and you can't but a price tag on that.  And yet, there still is one in surrogacy. I'm hopeful we will avoid all of these things but they still remain a concern. 

SCARED- Did I mention that I'm scared? Mostly I'm scared of not knowing what to expect. When the doctor gave us the diagnosis, I barely knew what the term meant, never mind knowing what kind of questions to ask. Are we worrying for nothing? Should we be worrying more? If the chances of it moving aren't 90% then what are they?  Not knowing sucks.

So, what do I do with all of these emotions?  Well, for starters I decided I needed to understand more about placenta previa and its implications. And while Doctor Google can be both a valuable resource and a curse, I decided it would probably be best to seek the expertise of an actual doctor.  I asked Ellen if going to a specialist would make her feel better or worse and she agreed it would help to get more information.  A couple of my friends recommended some Maternal-Fetal Specialists in Atlanta, but Ellen was concerned about the distance and additional time off of work (since she may need that time for bedrest/c-section) so we decided to start out at the local Maternal-Fetal Specialist that her OB recommends and seek a second opinion if we felt it was necessary.  It took us about a week to get that appointment scheduled but I can already feel myself exhaling a bit knowing we will get some answers soon.  Doctor Google has helped give me a list of questions to ask from sites like  Placenta Previa:Stuff I Learned Staying Up All Night .  I cracked up at 4am when I read that subtitle- good to know I wasn't the only one researching at all hours due to this diagnosis!   I'm looking forward to getting some of my questions answered next week. In the mean time, I'll keep singing Luda's anthem! I might need to add a little Tom Petty in there too...

Whoa-oh we're halfway there....

So I know its been a while since I've posted. I've been slacking a bit, but we've also been pretty busy.  Right after my last post we went on our Baby-Moon!  For those of you unfamiliar with this term, this is a vacation that you take with your spouse before the baby arrives- sort of like the last hurrah before life forever changes.  Jason and I went to Costa Rica and had a blast!  Unlike most women on baby-moons, I got to enjoy adult beverages- one of the perks to having a surrogate. I also got to do a lot of adventurous things that most expectant mothers can't do.  We went white-water rafting, repelled down a 165 foot waterfall, went surfing and horseback riding.  I even started drinking coffee for the first time! (I figured now is as good a time as any to to introduce that magic elixir to help me get through the sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood.)

Normally after a trip like that, there is a sense of sadness that comes from getting back to reality.  And yet for us, we were excited because we had our 20 week ultrasound the following week.  We hadn't gotten a peek at Baby O since our 13 week ultrasound so we were really excited to see him.  We did get a chance to hear his heartbeat at week 16 but almost had a heart attack of our own in the process.  Since  the appointment was really just for bloodwork, we didn't attend in person but did have her Facetime us in when it was time to listen to the heartbeat.  Unlike previous appointments when the ultrasound tech is able to visualize the heart on the screen, this time the doctor was using a doppler on Ellen's abdomen to locate the heartbeat.  We made our introductions on the iphone screen and excitedly waited to hear that magical sound.  And waited. And waited.  We started out all smiles, but after about a minute (which felt like hours) our smiles quickly faded.  Why is it taking so long? Please tell me it's still there.  Wait- did I just hear it, but now its gone?  Please tell me its not an intermittent heartbeat again.  We asked the doctor if it was normal to have trouble finding it and she assured us that it was- the fetus is still tiny at this point and it's hard to locate without the benefit of visual help. Finally after what felt like eons- we heard that beautiful thump, thump thumping.   I felt an enormous sense of relief.  Jason? Well, these pictures will give you an idea of how Jason felt.

This, my friends, is what PTSD looks like.  Jason texted me hours after our the appointment and said "I'm not gonna lie. I'm still rattled from this morning".  That's what four plus years of disappointment does to a person. Even though we ultimately got good news, those long moments of waiting-of not knowing what was going on- of thinking the worst because that's what we've grown so accustomed to-- are hard to shake.

 

We were hoping our 20 week appointment would go better than the last little scare and for the most part, it did.  Chris joined us for this appointment too which was a pleasant surprise.  Immediately, we saw Baby O wiggling away.  He even waved to us! On impulse I started waving back until Chris reminded me that he was not actually up on the ultrasound monitor and instead in Ellen's belly. Oh yeah. Whoops.  Here's what Baby O looked like at his 20 week ultrasound.

Bottoms up picture- proof that he's a boy!

As I said, for the most part the appointment went well.  We were all smiles when we met with the doctor (who we are pretty sure just finished her residency in 2012). She told us everything looks great with Baby O.  He is measuring on time and appears to be developing appropriately.  She ended by telling us there was a small concern- Ellen apparently has placenta previa.  No big deal she told us.  It just means her placenta in blocking the cervix.  90% of the time the placenta moves, she assured us. If not, Ellen will just need a C-section.  No big deal, she said.

This is the four of us after the appointment.  We were smiling then, but that was before Dr. Google and FB informed us that placenta previa may not be as innocuous as that Doogie Howser doctor led us to believe.   More about that in a future post....until then,  we are excited that we are half-way there, but as the song goes...we're still Livin' on a Prayer. 

Crying Over Spilled (Breast) Milk

I've been reflecting on the blog lately and realized that since we found out we were expecting, the majority of my posts have been pretty uplifting (pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pics /videos, gender reveal).  This makes sense, because that weight that I spoke of in my very first post has, for the most part, been lifted.  And that absence of the weight has felt great.  Ellen is starting to show and for once, I'm not heartbroken when I see a pregnant belly.

The first time I realized that her growing belly was something that would bring me joy instead of pain was a truly transformative experience. I was honestly nervous about how I might react, afraid that I might feel hurt or jealous.  Ellen was sensitive to this as well, letting me know that she would understand if I did feel that way and would honor my need for distance.  Thankfully, that hasn't happened.  In fact, I find myself asking for belly pics as a means to cheer me up (like when we missed our flight to Key West last week).  It has been a relief and a very pleasant surprise to be excited about a baby bump for a change.  And I remember thinking, "Yay! I don't have to feel sad about not being pregnant anymore!  I'm all fixed!!!"

HA! Not so fast.  Yesterday I had my first tears about not being pregnant since, well, since we became pregnant (sad tears that is, I've had tons of happy tears!).  This is what happened.  I am a member of numerous surrogacy related FB groups.  It's been pretty interesting being part of them- most are full of veteran surrogates who share their feelings (both physical and emotional) regarding their journeys.  There are also some IP's (intended parents like me) on the boards, though not quite as many.  There is often drama in the groups (a side effect of pregnant, hormonal women perhaps?) and yesterday was no exception.  One of the surros was at the contract stage of her journey and she posted a concern to the group related to her IP's not wanting her to nurse/provide breast milk for their baby.  She went on to say that breast-feeding is extremely important to her and that she was unsure whether she should go through with the match with IP's who did not share her values about the best start for this baby. She questioned whether she should try to convince them to breastfeed or find new IP's.  A debate ensued in the comments thread from surros who agreed with her and told her she should cut and run, and others who said it is not her place to dictate parenting decisions about the baby that she is carrying.  Despite the often-heated exchanges, one thing that was agreed upon was clear- "breast is best".  Some went so far to say it wasn't merely an opinion, it was a scientific fact. 

As I read all of the comments I became increasingly more uncomfortable and upset.  I probably should have stopped reading but it's kind of like a car wreck-its hard to look away.  The post triggered several different issues for me.  The whole breastfeeding thing definitely hit a nerve.  I know about the benefits of nursing and always hoped that I would one day nurse my baby.   I knew this might be a challenge even if I had given birth, however, as I had a breast reduction when I was 21 and was told at that time that as a result of the surgery I would only have a 60% chance of being able to successfully breastfeed.  Still, I always thought that I would try.  When we realized I had to find a surrogate, I was saddened not just by the loss of carrying my child but also about the loss of being able to nurse.  Until I discovered something called inducing lactation.  This is essentially a way for mothers via adoption or surrogacy to be able to nurse their babies by taking medication/herbs that allow her body to produce milk.  Crazy, huh? It's not a simple process.  It usually needs to be started months before the birth and in addition to the meds, involves pumping every three hours!  While it sounded quite daunting, I was strongly considering doing it even though I knew my chances of success would be less than most given my history (and success rates in general still aren't great as it is).  I just felt like despite doing all I could to make it happen, I was missing out on the experience of pregnancy/giving birth. I didn't want to also miss out on the experience of nursing without doing everything I could to make that happen too.

Jason and my family felt otherwise. They felt like I had put my body through enough hormones all of these years and didn't want me to continue doing that for something they didn't feel was necessary. Ellen discouraged me as well, telling me it had been really difficult nursing her girls (she only did it for six weeks) and that formula fed kids turned out just fine.  She also pointed out that its much easier to formula feed because both parents can be actively involved.  She mentioned she thought her husband felt left out in the beginning when she nursed her girls and that Jason might feel like he would be missing out on feeding the baby if I nursed.   Ultimately, I decided not to induce lactation and thought I was okay with that decision.

Until I read that thread.  It just left me feeling very powerless.   And less than.  And I already feel less than for not being able to hold a pregnancy/give birth.  To add salt to the wound, some very well-intentioned commenters were trying to be protective and supportive of IM's so they said things like this  "The thing is, you're lucky that you can have children without having to involve multiple people and tens of thousands of dollars. You don't have to sign a contract with someone and hand over control of your pregnancy. Then when all that's done, as if the infertility and need for a surrogate wasn't enough, the baby arrives (you finally get to be a parent) and someone wants you to be accountable to them to feed that baby."  another said this " And maybe you should look at it from her perspective.... For once. She has sat and watched you get pregnant with her child, stood and watched the ultra sound... Of her baby... In your belly... Your body ... With her child. She had to get word from you that her own baby was kicking.... She didn't feel I it, experience it... You did. She was robbed of the joy of having her own child grow inside her......"  And that is when I lost it.   I thought I was okay with not being pregnant but reading those words hit me like a freight train.   

I shared how I was feeling with Jason, and also shared a video similar to this  that a surro had posted on another page that made me sad as well. The video depicted an expecting couple, with the mother trying to allow the father to feel their baby kicking with his hand on her belly. He had trouble feeling it.  Later, they showed the two in a laboratory with a pregnancy belt strapped to each of them.  The belt sent transmissions from the mother to the father each time the baby kicked, so the father was able to experience what it felt like to feel the kicking from the inside.  It was fascinating and after I shared it with Jason he said "That's cool".   Sure it was cool. If you are a man and you were never supposed to feel a kicking baby.  But if you are a woman who can't hold a pregnancy, it feels like just another kick in the gut (no pun intended).

Jason and I discussed my sadness around  these issualles and he was very understanding. He even encouraged me to look further into inducing lactation if I wanted to.  We also discussed researching different options like donated milk.  (Ellen had told us from the beginning that she didn't want to pump since it was so difficult with her own children and I completely respect that decision*).  I immediately went to begin my research (one of my go-to coping skills) and started first by instant messaging an IP that I met in one of the FB groups about my breakdown. I mentioned how I was especially sad because (silly me) I thought I was done with being upset about not being able to get pregnant.  She said something that really resonated with me.  "The feelings never go away. They just hide for a bit".   Of course.  Of course they don't go away.  I am still grieving.  In fact, I'm only in the early stages of grief. It has only been six months since I came to the realization that I would never carry our child. Just because we got pregnant quickly, just because I have a fabulous relationship with my surro, just because things are going so well,  doesn't mean I'm not still experiencing a loss.   And just like with anyone experiencing grief, it will come in waves.  It will ebb and flow like the tides.  And I just got pummeled by a huge wave at high tide. 

Thankfully, I have gotten pretty good at swimming in rough waters.  When that wave hit,  it was disorienting at first.  But, after a while, I was able to start treading water.  I found comfort in some FB groups exclusively for IP's (one that I actually started myself a couple of days ago- we're already up to 56 members!)  A couple of women in these groups- ones that were actually inducing lactation- reminded that the science behind the whole "breast is best" thing is actually skewed, as it doesn't account for different socio-economic factors.  So I did a little more research and found this article that quotes research that found no significant difference between babies who were breast fed vs formula-fed within the same families- which was very eye-opening to me.  Then I found a  Fearless Formula Feeder site where the author is "Standing Up for Formula Feeders... Without Being a Boob About It".   Her goal is to remove the stigma that comes to those who choose to formula feed, either out of choice or necessity.

Through all of this, I am once again starting to feel okay about my decision not to try to induce lactation.  And I am also okay with my tears.  I know that the gift that Ellen is giving us, our little boy growing in her belly, is incredibly healing. But the scars from infertility are pretty deep, and the loss is significant.  It's okay to feel that too.

*since the writing of this post, Ellen has actually offered to try pumping for us.  I thanked her for her offer and told her I think we are alright with her just trying to get the colostrum (the initial milk that comes out which is high in nutrients and antibodies- like the babies first vaccine).  I am so blessed to have a surro who would consider doing that for us despite it being difficult for her, and also happy that I feel okay about not asking her to!

So, mommy's having a baby...but it's not ours...

Post from Ellen.  Oh, and happy 4th of July!

When people find out I'm a surrogate they often ask how my girls feel about it and reacted to the news.  Chris and I struggled with deciding when and how to tell them.  Kerri and Jason were invited to our Easter celebration and to meet the extended family (and yea...there are a ton of us!).  All of our family knew, and we thought it wouldn't be fair for all the adults there to know what was going on, and keep the girls in the dark.  While we were very early in the pregnancy, having just gotten our positive betas, were all cautiously optimistic, but didn't want to tell the girls we were pregnant, and then have to deliver bad news if anything happened.  We kept putting it off, and finally decided to tell them a few days before.  They had met Kerri, who they just knew as a friend of mine, and of course had heard us talk about Jason.  We were at dinner and the conversation went like this:

Me: So, I have something to tell y'all...
Girls: (Staring blankly at me like uh oh...what's she about to say...)
Me: Remember when I had A for S & C?
Girls: (Still staring...wondering where this is going...)
Me: Well, you know Kerri and Jason?  They want a baby, and need a little help having one, so mommy is going to carry their baby for them.  Actually I'm already pregnant, but it's super early, so you don't have to go shouting from the rooftops just yet.
Girls: (Eyes lighting up, like I can see the cartoon light bulbs going off over their collective heads)
Claire: (Who is 12, going on 22, gorgeous, smart, and uber talented, even if she can be a crazy pre-teen brat) That's why you've been going to the doctor a lot!  I knew something was up!!  Wait...is it going to be our half-sibling like A?
Me: ( uh oh...here comes the biology/anatomy lesson at dinner) Nope, it's not related to us at all.  It's Jason and Kerri's embryo.  The doctor mixed Jason's sperm with Kerri's egg, they froze the embryo, then transferred it to me. Cool, huh!
Lily: (Lily just turned 10.  She is the sweetheart.  Can be very sensitive, and quiet, but is so funny, cutest dimples ever, and is my nurturing little mama) Can we keep the baby for like a month before Jason and Kerri take it home?!
Me: Um, no.  We can't keep the baby.
Lily: (looks disappointed) Well, can I at least hold it in the hospital?
Me: Of course.  I'm sure Jason and Kerri will let you hold the baby. 
Nora: (who is 7, sassy, precocious, funny, crazy, and adorable.  That girl can get away with anything) Shew...before you said it was for Jason and Kerri I was like nuh uh, no way, you are not bringing a baby in my house!

At this point Chris and I looked across the table at each other and we just smiled at each other.  I was (and am) so proud of them.  I don't know why I expected them to react any differently than they did.  They are incredible kids, and have been our biggest cheerleaders.  They constantly ask questions about the baby, and Nora even offered a name suggestion...Carlos (idk where she got that), but I'm sure Jason and Kerri put it on their short list.  ;)  My girls are the reason I am a surrogate.  They are my pride and joy.  My world.  My reason for being.   (Being crazy at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything.) I look at my girls and I cannot imagine anyone wanting to experience the joy of parenthood, and not being able to.  If I can help Jason and Kerri have that, why wouldn't I? 

So my suggestion for surrogates regarding when and how to tell their kids is that it really varies.  There are so many variables: how old are they? how mature? what is the relationship like with the IPs? what are the pros and cons to telling them sooner rather than later?  For us, our timing worked out perfectly.  I also suggest that you tell them just enough to satisfy their curiosity.  I told my girls that they can also ask me any questions they have about the whole process and I will answer them honestly.  And if there is a question I can't answer, I'll research and ask around until I can answer it.  Surrogacy isn't just about the surro.  It's also about her husband, children, and extended family as well.  I am so lucky in that my family supports this journey whole-heartedly.  Thrills me that Jason and Kerri have become a part of our family, hopefully forever, and to me that's the perfect surrogacy relationship.