Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Full Circle

IiU In the last couple of weeks I've really had some full circle moments.  It started with a trip to our fertility clinic to introduce Jaden to Dr. Toledo. It was pretty surreal going back to RBA- a place we had frequented far too often since December of 2011 (though we had been hanging out in fertility clinic waiting rooms since October of 2010).   There are a series of feelings that you experience in that waiting room- it starts out with hope and excitement and then moves on to confusion,  anxiety, despair, desperation, anger, and sadness.  The more hours you log in the waiting room chair, the less hope and excitement you feel. The more those other feelings take over and start to consume you.  Those feelings were my normal for the better part of the past four years.  Returning to the fertility clinic this time I felt a whole new range of emotions- joy, pride, happiness...and relief.   My new normal. And boy did it feel good.

We scheduled our visit with Dr. Toledo during Ellen's winter break because we really wanted her to be there too.  We also scheduled it during the clinic's lunch hour, so were quite surprised to see the waiting room was full.  We were careful to remain in the hallway just outside the clinic's entryway.  I wasn't about to go flaunting my baby in front of all those longing couples in the waiting room.

It was wonderful seeing Dr. Toledo- someone who had experienced so many ups, and mostly downs with us over the years.  On more than one occasion, I had fallen apart in Dr. Toledo's arms after hearing bad news.  What a full circle moment it was to now see him cradling my baby in those same arms! It was really special that Dr. Toledo wanted to hold him. He told him Jaden how much he was loved and how hard we had worked to get him here.  It warmed my heart.

And here is another full circle moment:

From this...

To this...

Just a few days after that visit I had another full circle moment.  Remember that birthday party for my dear friend's two year old twins that I wrote about here?  Last year I left that party in tears.  This year for their three year old birthday,   I arrived with my three month old! 

Finally, yesterday was a special day too.   Chris and Jason went out of town for the evening for a boy's night so Ellen and her girls and Jaden and I decided to get together.  It was just over a year ago that I met her girls for the first time.  We went to the zoo and back then,  they just knew me as mom's new friend.  I remember being so taken by all the newborns at the zoo, hoping and praying that it was foreshadowing.  I guess it was because this weekend we went back to the zoo- with my own newborn!