Friday, October 24, 2014

Happy 5th Anniversary!

Today marks five years of marriage for Jason and I.  I honestly feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I am married to a man who makes me laugh Every Single Day, but who also makes me think, makes me grow and always makes me feel loved.   I don't just love my husband- I admire him for his amazing talent as an artist and musician and for his kindness and compassion.  This is a man who still makes time for his Little Brother (from the Big Brother/Big Sister program) , whom he met when his "little" was in 8th grade and who now is 22.  This is a man who regularly keeps in touch with a chronically ill teen that he met briefly at a holiday party, by inviting her for lunch and a tour of his office and planning a pottery-painting date.  For all these reasons and more,  I know he will be an amazing father and I am so blessed to have him as my husband and best friend. 

Admittedly, the first several years of our marriage were not the easiest.  Infertility does a number on a marriage.  The top two reasons most married couples fight are sex and money, and infertility definitely affects both.  Here's a tip- if you ever meet anyone who is struggling to conceive, don't joke with them and say "At least you're having fun trying!".   Infertility sucks the fun out of trying.  Timed intercourse is mechanical, scientific and anything but fun.  As for money- for the past four plus years, all our savings has gone to fertility clinics, hospital bills, attorneys fees, and surrogacy compensation.  We are fortunate that we have had help with some of these bills from family, but we have still stressed out watching our bank accounts get depleted- especially when until this year, it was typically for naught.  

Infertility affected our marriage in other ways.  The sadness and disappointment month after month when we couldn't get pregnant, the anger and defeat when we lost pregnancies, the hopelessness and helplessness that ruled our lives for the better part of our marriage- that certainly has an impact.  Jason and I had to learn to navigate all those feelings, both individually and as a couple.  We both cope differently- Jason often turns inward and wants to be alone to process his feelings.  I, on the other hand, need to talk about my feelings.  In the beginning, Jason would try to be there for me even though it made things harder for him.  In time, I learned to allow him to have his space and would seek support from friends or family.  We slowly figured out a way to meet our own needs while also helping one another. 

In spite of all those issues, I think Jason and I did surprisingly well.  We still managed to enjoy one another and have fun, count our blessings, and grow as individuals and as a couple.  This past year, without the pressure of trying to conceive and of course, with the knowledge that Baby O is on his way, I finally feel like we have been able to experience the happily every after that we imagined we would when we said our vows five years ago.    That weight that I spoke of in my very first post has been gone for about 8 months now and boy does it feel great!  

On our first anniversary, Jason and I celebrated by giving each other the traditional paper gifts.  Interestingly enough, we gave one another similar presents.  I gave Jason several different framed prints from our wedding.  He also gave me some of the same photographs from our wedding, yet he included a poem he wrote on one of them.   It warms my heart to know that FINALLY, after five long years, the dream he wrote about is on its way to becoming a reality.

I love you more than words can express Jason! I'm so excited for this next chapter in our lives.   You and me, together, we can do anything, baby! I love you more and more along the way...

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