This homage to Ludacris is now our morning mantra. By Bitch we mean Placenta. That Placenta best get out the way of the cervix or there are going to be a lot of unhappy people. As I mentioned in my last post, we did a bit of googling and questioning on surro boards about placenta previa which raised our concerns. Most people mentioned the need for bed rest, or at the least, pelvic rest (meaning no intercourse). We read a lot about the risk of spotting and in worst case scenarios, hemorrhaging which leads to early delivery (like 30 weeks!). Thankfully, Ellen is as proactive as I am when it comes to medical issues so she took it upon herself to email the nurse of her regular doctor to ask more questions. We did not like what we learned. The nurse told Ellen that the doctor that we saw should have advised her to go on pelvic rest. She said it wasn't mandatory but it was strongly recommended. She also said that the doctor saying that in 90% of cases the placenta moves was very optimistic for placenta previa at 20 weeks. UGH.
It's been a see-saw of emotions for all of us since we got that news. We went from thinking- "minor complication, it will probably resolve itself, no big deal" to- "this could be serious, it could mean bedrest, hemorrhaging (please no more hemorrhaging!) and even a premature baby". Personally, I have a ton of different emotions going on:
ANGER-I'm angry at that doctor for letting us think that everything was fine, for not giving us correct information and for minimizing things. And I'm angry that things are not fine. Really?!? Haven't we been through enough? Can't we just have a normal pregnancy? I mean, clearly it's not a normal pregnancy- but does it have to be even less normal now? Enough already!
SCARED- I'm scared to death that something is going to happen to this baby. I'm scared that he will come early- maybe too early to make it or so early that he ends up having lots of problems. I'm scared that if he might need more care than the NICU at Piedmont Henry County Hospital can offer him. At night, I lie awake worrying about things like should he be delivered at Northside where they have a Level 4 NICU and specialize in taking care of micro-preemies??? And then I worry that we can't even do that now even if we wanted to since we have submitted our PBO (pre-birth order) that says he will be delivered at Piedmont. And really, is delivering at Northside even realistic? Northside is really far from Ellen (I mapped the distance- its 45 miles away as opposed to 7.7 miles away). Obviously that doesn't make any sense in an emergent situation. I'm scared for Ellen too- scared that she will have an emergent situation such as a hemorrhage- which I don't wish on anyone.
GUILT- I feel guilty about Ellen having to go on pelvic rest. This is not what she (or Chris) signed up for. I know many pregnant women aren't interested in intercourse as they start to grow bigger- but she's still pretty small and I'd rather it be her choice, not the doctor's choice. I feel guilty about the likelihood of her having a C-section. Ellen has only had all natural deliveries. Like, not even an epidural. I'm pretty sure she's never had a surgery in her life. I feel bad that she may have to have a surgery now because she is carrying our baby. I feel guilty about the possibility of her having to go on bed rest. Ellen has a full-time job. She's a mom- and not just a "let the kids watch TV while she sits around eating bon-bons" kind of mom. She very involved with her three kids and they are very active- they're at the ball field almost every day during season. I feel guilty about the possibility of taking her away from all those things to lay in bed. Because of our baby. And I feel guilty that Ellen has to worry about these things too.
SAD I'm sad that all of these feelings are getting in the way of us enjoying what should be a really happy time for us. A good friend of mine offered to help me register this weekend. She has 6 1/2 year old triplets who are at the grandparents this weekend so she has a rare window of free time to help me with this. I was all excited about going, but then the fear crept in. Is it too soon? Should we wait to see what happens with the previa? What if I jinx things? I ultimately decided to take a rain check on registering. I want to enjoy that process whole-heartedly and I know with all these other emotions happening I can't really do that just yet. Sigh.
ANXIOUS ABOUT THE COSTS- I can't deny that this has been a concern for me as well. Pregnancy complications come with additional costs to Intended Parents. We are responsible for Ellen's lost wages incurred during bed rest, as well as childcare and housekeeping needs. We will be responsible for additional reimbursement should she need a C-section. At the end of the day, Ellen's health and the health of the baby are most important and you can't but a price tag on that. And yet, there still is one in surrogacy. I'm hopeful we will avoid all of these things but they still remain a concern.
SCARED- Did I mention that I'm scared? Mostly I'm scared of not knowing what to expect. When the doctor gave us the diagnosis, I barely knew what the term meant, never mind knowing what kind of questions to ask. Are we worrying for nothing? Should we be worrying more? If the chances of it moving aren't 90% then what are they? Not knowing sucks.
So, what do I do with all of these emotions? Well, for starters I decided I needed to understand more about placenta previa and its implications. And while Doctor Google can be both a valuable resource and a curse, I decided it would probably be best to seek the expertise of an actual doctor. I asked Ellen if going to a specialist would make her feel better or worse and she agreed it would help to get more information. A couple of my friends recommended some Maternal-Fetal Specialists in Atlanta, but Ellen was concerned about the distance and additional time off of work (since she may need that time for bedrest/c-section) so we decided to start out at the local Maternal-Fetal Specialist that her OB recommends and seek a second opinion if we felt it was necessary. It took us about a week to get that appointment scheduled but I can already feel myself exhaling a bit knowing we will get some answers soon. Doctor Google has helped give me a list of questions to ask from sites like Placenta Previa:Stuff I Learned Staying Up All Night . I cracked up at 4am when I read that subtitle- good to know I wasn't the only one researching at all hours due to this diagnosis! I'm looking forward to getting some of my questions answered next week. In the mean time, I'll keep singing Luda's anthem! I might need to add a little Tom Petty in there too...