Friday, August 8, 2014
Movin' On Up - Ellen's take on the previa
Let me start by reiterating that I have been so fortunate to have 4 healthy, full term, textbook pregnancies and deliveries. So #5 should be a cake walk, right? Right! My medical history is part of the reason Jason and Kerri chose me and trust me to safely nurture baby O for 9+ months. I wasn't expecting the doctor to say I had placenta previa. As Kerri stated, the doctor was a little nonchalant about it. Which frankly pissed me off afterward, but thinking back, I think she also didn't want to cause undue alarm and worry. Either way, I wish we had had a few more minutes then to process the news and get some more info before we left. It's no secret that Kerri and I are a little obsessive with googling and researching everything we can along this journey, so the previa has gotten more than its fair share of googling. Kerri and I are much on the same page with our feelings on this. I can say ditto to many of the things she is feeling.
ANGER - I'm not so angry at the doctor now as I was initially. I am, however, angry with my body. I've done this drill before. My body knows what to do and how to carry and deliver a baby. It's pretty awesome at it, actually, which is partly why I'm doing this to begin with. So I'm angry with my body for causing this fluke thing and not doing what it's supposed to.
SCARED - To say I'm scared would be an understatement. I'm scared of hemorrhaging, I'm scared of delivering early, I'm scared of bed rest, and I'm mostly scared of letting down Kerri & Jason. The placenta previa has been consuming me. It's all I can think about, which I know isn't healthy or logical. I didn't do anything to cause it. Nor can I fix it. All the worry and fear in the world isn't going to change it. It's likely going to fix itself. So why can't I make myself stop??
GUILT - You betcha! Guilty that after all Kerri and Jason have been through, now this. In the second trimester, which is supposed to be the easy one! They have entrusted me to carry and nurture their baby, and my body has caused this worry and fear for them. And guilty that impending bed rest could cost them more money. Sure when we signed the contract we all knew it was a possibility, but one we never hoped to face.
SAD - Yep. Like I said. Sad that this should be the worry free part of the pregnancy. Kerri and Jason should be registering and preparing for baby O's arrival, not worried about me, or the well being of little O.
We have an appointment with the perinatologist next week, so hoping to be able to report that all this stress and worry was for naught and that bitchy placenta has indeed, moved on up! I don't care if it's the east or west side, so long it migrates up from the south. ;)