#Jadenwatch2014 or Our Surrogacy Birth Story

Little man has been here just over 72 hours (well now more like 120 hours- its hard to get things done with a newborn!)  so I wanted to get down his birth story while its still fresh in my mind.

#Jadenwatch2014 (hashtag complements of my friend Mary) started about two weeks ago when Ellen was already dilated to 3cm at 37 weeks 4 days.  The OB scheduled the induction initially for Black Friday but then switched it to the Monday after Thanksgiving since staffing would be better following the holiday.  Two different OB's told us they doubted we would make it to the induction so we had our hospital bags packed and were on high alert all week.  My parents came in town Thanksgiving day and joined us on #Jadenwatch2014.  We all thought it would be pretty fitting if he came during the Florida/Florida State game but Jaden had other plans and decided to stay put until the induction.

We arrived at the hospital Monday at 8am.  Since Ellen was positive for Group B Strep she needed to get IV antibiotics in order to prevent passing anything to the baby.  We were hoping she would have time to get two doses in, as at our last OB appointment on Wednesday the doctor told us the baby would have to stay in the hospital 48 hours if she didn't get both doses. Given that this was Ellen's fifth pregnancy, the doctor doubted she would have time for both and predicted the baby would be here by noon.  Thankfully, that didn't turn out to be the case.

My parents and Jason's mother set up camp in the waiting room while Ellen, Chris, Jason and I headed to the Labor and Delivery Room. Ellen's mother joined the other parents soon after.   Our nurse Meg was really amazing.  She had donated her eggs twice before so was very familiar with the process of IVF as well as the struggles so many go through to create a family.  She asked me for my birth plan so she could understand my desires and assured me that she would help make sure my wishes were respected.  She even read the instruction manual for my skin-to-skin shirt and told me she would help me get him situated in it.  It felt really nice to have her support, especially since I felt slightly crazy wearing that shirt.

 Ellen got hooked up to the monitors and the nurse explained that the top lines measured the baby's heartbeat and the bottom measured contractions.  Contractions were minimal when we arrived.   They had to special order Ellen's antibiotics so they didn't start her first dose until around 10:30 AM.  Ellen was hoping the doctor would break her water and allow her to walk the halls in lieu of starting the pitocin (aka "the devil" in Ellen's eyes) but the doctor opted to just start her on a tiny dose of pitocin along with the antibiotics. After about an hour there was very little movement, so Meg said she was going to ask Dr. Ramani to break her water.  We had to wait a while since the doctor was in a C-section (Chris almost took matters into his own hands when he found the "poker") so it was about 12:30 when her water was finally broken. We all gave a sigh of relief when we saw the water was clear (which meant no meconium) .  Meg bumped up the pitocin shortly after in the hopes that this would speed thing up.  She told us she had a woman next door who was also dilated the same amount.  This was good motivation for Ellen, who is as competitive as Jason and I.  "Oh, we are so going to be first,  Ellen said.   About an hour later, she bumped up the pitocin again and around 2:00 the strong contractions started kicking in.  The nurse checked Ellen and she was dilated to about a seven.
 
I probably should mention that Ellen opted not to get an epidural.  She has never had one- apparently for Ellen, the idea of not being able to feel below her legs is worse than the excruciating pain that comes with labor.  By this time, the charge nurse Kenna had joined us since Meg was next door tending to the other delivery (she was still behind us, and she was already on her second epidural) I asked Kenna how many women don't get epidurals and she replied "On purpose? Maybe five percent".  I was pretty surprised by that number and Ellen was too- she didn't realize she was in such a minority.   I'm not sure how Ellen feels about it, but in retrospect, I think that her decision not to get an epidural actually enhanced the birth experience for me.  It was undoubtedly difficult to watch someone I love and care about be in so much pain, but it really made me appreciate her even more (as if that was even possible).  And the fact that she was going through this pain for me, for us, for our baby...

Around 2:30, I could tell by Ellen's face and lack of ability to talk that she was in immense pain so asked if the nurse would check her dilation again.   The nurse said they don't like to check too often as this can promote bacteria but felt like Ellen would know when it was time.   Really?!? You don't want to try something a little more scientific than a feeling?  The nurse was about to leave the room when Ellen said "If I'm still a seven, I'm gonna need that epidural".  Thankfully the nurse checked again because the next thing you know, she asked Chris to hold one of her legs and had me hold the other.  Jason initially stood by Chris near Ellen's head and then kind of floated between Chris and I, still remaining by her head.  Ellen was clearly in a lot of pain and I heard the nurse say, "This is the part where most patients give up and feel like they can't do it but you are really close.  I  know that you can do it". Really close?  My heart was beating a mile a minute.  I mouthed to Jason "Where's the doctor?"

No sooner did I say that then the doctor arrived and instructed Ellen to lift her legs higher and begin pushing.   Still holding her leg, I was standing on my tippy-toes trying to brace myself against the weight of her push.  I told someone I was on my tippy-toes and they brought me a stool, which was a relief.  I remember thinking I didn't have the strength to keep holding her leg and it would have been terribly embarrassing if I gave up before Ellen did.   Ellen pushed just three times and during the last push, at 3:17 PM,  we were instructed to go watch our son being born.  Jason was always a bit reluctant about doing that- I think most men are uncomfortable about that with their own wives, never mind someone else wife.  All that discomfort went out the window when, mid-push, Ellen looked at Jason and said "Get down there!".

I cannot adequately describe what that felt like.  It was truly surreal.  When I first saw the crowning I was in shock.  His head was itty-bitty- like a kewpie doll- and I was like- oh my god, he really is a tiny baby!  As more of his head came out I saw that it wasn't quite as small as I initially thought.  He was small, but he was amazing.  Dr. Ramani pulled him out and placed him on Ellen's stomach and you know what? I didn't even care.   I think it was probably just habit for the doctor to lay the baby on the woman and when he realized what he did, he looked back at me like "Oh crap- I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?" I just said "It's okay, it's okay" with tears streaming down my face, then went to Ellen and said "He deserves to go on you first because of all that". He was just on her for a few seconds- they clamped the cord, Jason cut it,  and then the NICU team whisked him away.

They began examining him while Jason and I looked on.  He was crying, which is a good sign, but I guess his breathing was a bit coarse. They said this was because he came so quick and didn't have time for his lungs to get cleared in the birth canal.   They spent several minutes, which felt like hours, attempting to clear his passageways by sticking a tube up his nose and down his throat and using the bulb in his mouth and nose.  They were all business and it was pretty scary.  I finally asked if he was okay and if he failed his APGAR, and they assured me that he got a 9 and an 8 and was just fine.

Finally, they let us have him and the nurse helped me into my Nuroo shirt.  As soon as he was all nestled up inside of the shirt, skin-to-skin, I no longer felt crazy for wearing it. I just felt like mom. At last.

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you are reading this on your phone,  you may want to go to a computer when you can and watch these videos.  After we were home about four days Jason said "Oh yeah, I forgot about these".  Apparently he snuck a few videos during and just after the birth.  They are so amazing.  It was really interesting to watch it back.  There have been a few times in my life when I have just wailed- when I could hear this sound coming from me and wasn't sure where it was coming from.  Up to this point, those times were following a miscarriage.  It was surreal to hear that same sound coming from tears of joy.  And my exclamations, "Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d, Oh my G-d"! That was fitting too.  Our son's name is Jaden Court.   We knew early on that if we had a girl, his middle name would be Ellen.  Since it was a boy, we chose Ellen's maiden name, Court, to honor her and so that he would always know his birth story.   His first name is Hebrew for "G-d has heard".  Indeed he has.

Introducing Jaden Court

Little man arrived yesterday at 3:13 PM.  5lbs15.4oz and 19 inches of perfection.  We couldn't be happier.

  

This is what five years of waiting to be parents looks like...

We are eternally grateful to these two who helped us become a family...and who are now part of our family too!

I will update about the birth story later...

All We Need Now is the Baby!

We've been waiting a long time for this baby, which also means we've had a long time to think about the nursery decor.  We knew we wanted to do something music-themed and I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and Project Nursery trying to find something I liked.  While those gave me some good ideas, I didn't quite see what I wanted. Fortunately, I have an in-house graphic artist so decided we would be doing a lot of the design ourselves.  By we, I really mean Jason, though I am the art director in the family.  I found this cute guitar-playing chick on Pinterest and asked Jason if he could come up with something similar for the nursery.  

I was thinking maybe different animals playing instruments but Jason came up with an even better idea.

 

He went on to represent some of our favorite artists.  How great are these?

We also framed lyrics from some of our favorite songs that deliver a message for Baby O. These include "I got you. I got everything" (Jack Johnson) "Decide what to be and go be it"(The Avett Brothers)  "See the path cut by the moon for you to walk on" (Pearl Jam) and "Don't worry about a thing" (Bob Marley).  We arranged the framed artists and lyrics over the dresser.

We put "Here Comes the Sun"  (The Beatles) over the crib.  I had originally planned to hang the Dave Matthews lyrics "Wake up sleepy head, I think the sun's a little brighter today" on the other wall, but Jason randomly found a lighthouse print while at the thrift shop looking for frames for the artwork. He knew it belonged on the wall instead. Once again, we could feel the presence of Jason's father.

For the final touch, we painted some IKEA spice racks and used them for book shelves (thanks pinterest!)

And thanks to Ellen for gifting us so many amazing books. We can't wait to read them to Baby O- especially the ones with the sweet inscriptions! 

Here's a panoramic-ish shot of the room. In the corner we hung the first guitar Jason ever owned, a gift from his father when he was twenty years old.  Jason was so excited about finally owning a guitar that he would just stare at it from across the room.  Now Baby O can do the same! 

Jason and I also created a "Songs from the Nursery" playlist and gave each of our amazing baby shower hostesses a CD.  The playlist is filled with some of our favorite artists that are represented in the nursery as well as songs that really resonated for us along this journey.  One in particular, the Bob Marley song "Coming In From the Cold" with the lyric "When one door is closed, don't you know, many more is open" really hits home.  Another really meaningful song is "Father, Son".  Jason discovered this song about a year after his father passed away when he decided to make a tribute video for him.  Click here to see that incredible video (but be sure to grab your kleenex).  It's really special that the song will take on new meaning with the birth of Baby O.   Here's our  "Born to Rock"  playlist. If you have Spotify, you can listen now.  Enjoy!

Birth Plan Schmurf Plan

On Friday we went to the OB/GYN for the beta Strep B test and a cervical check as Ellen was 36w2d.  Since ours is a unique birthing situation, I decided to come up with a birth preference plan in order to minimize confusion.  Ellen has never used a birth plan with any of her prior pregnancies knowing that plans don't really mean anything when it comes to actual delivery.  Still, she agreed that it would make sense to have something in writing so that the hospital was aware that Jason and I are to make all medical decisions following his birth.  I scoured the internet trying to find birth plans for surrogates and intended parents and really only found this.   My sister-in-law gave us a copy of her birth preference (she took the word plan out of the name but I think we all know it was still a plan) and I used both of those sources as a guideline to for ours.  Both plans included a lot more information about labor preferences but since Ellen wasn't concerned about that, I omitted that part.  The main things I was concerned about was having delayed cord clamping and doing immediate skin-to-skin contact with the baby. 

I had my birth preference plan in hand when the doctor walked in.  He glanced at it and said in a somewhat snarky manner, "Oh  no, she's got it written down".  I told him that I'm really not  Type-A but wanted to have things in writing since this is such a unique situation.  He then said, "Well you might as well tell me what's in it because I'm going to have to read it anyway".  I told him about my two main preferences and to my dismay, he told me it wasn't possible.  "We can do delayed clamping- no problem.  But you can't do immediate skin-to-skin.  The baby will need to go on her belly (gesturing toward Ellen) because the cord will still be attached".  He went on to say that the NICU team will then need to assess him since he will likely be under 5lbs as he is IUGR.  NICU?!? IUGR?!?  These are terms I hadn't yet heard associated with my baby.  I knew he was measuring small, but I thought he was just SGA.  I told the doctor that and he said "They're the same thing".

So what are all these acronyms anyway? IUGR stands for Inter-uterine Growth Restriction (though I've also seen it referred to as  Growth Retardation) and refers to a baby that is not growing at the normal rate in the womb.  Specifically, it means the baby is below the 10th percentile.   Our baby has been measuring small since we first went to the specialist at 22 weeks.  This is why we have the weekly appointments with the specialist where they measure his growth every other week and do biophysical profiles on alternate weeks.  His biophysical profiles have always been perfect and the specialist has never given us any reason to believe that the baby would need the NICU.  I was quite alarmed to hear otherwise from the OB.  The specialist has always maintained that thought he is behind, he is likely just a small baby.  I'm just five feet and Ellen has never carried a baby over 6lbs 8oz, so its likely that the fact that Ellen grows smaller babies and the fact that his mom is small plays a role in his size.  I was under the impression that IUGR meant there is a problematic reason that the baby is measuring small (problem with blood flow from the cord, problems with the placenta, etc) but SGA (Small for Gestational Age) meant just that- the baby is small for his gestational age but there is no known cause. This doctor was suggesting otherwise and it was certainly concerning. 

Also concerning was the fact that I was told I could not do immediate skin-to-skin contact. Skin-to-skin contact (also known as kangaroo care) entails placing the newborn naked baby on the mother's chest immediately following birth.  Research has shown this helps regulate the baby's body temperature, respiration and glucose stability in addition to enhancing bonding and helping to promote lactation in nursing mothers.  Now, I obviously won't be nursing which is why skin-to-skin felt extra important for me. I really want to have that time to be finally be mom to this baby.  I even registered for a special shirt that I plan to wear during delivery so I can do kangaroo care.  It never occurred to me that I would be unable to do so right away. The doctor told me that I would get the baby once the cord was cut, though suggested that if he was under five pounds the NICU team would get him first.   Upon hearing that, I took the birth preference plan and threw it into the trash.  What was the point of having a preference plan when my preferences weren't going to be realized?  I know that the birth process is not typically what we imagine, but now all I could see was the baby being put on Ellen's stomach and not mine, and this image hurt.

After the appointment I talked to some well-intentioned family and friends, who assured me that I would have plenty of time to do skin-to-skin, that not doing it immediately wouldn't really make a difference, that I have his whole life to bond with him, etc etc.  And while all this is true, it didn't really help in the moment.  In the end, what it comes down to is if I was the one delivering my baby none of this would be an issue. It would be my belly he would be placed  upon.   I, once again, had to grieve the fact that I wouldn't get to deliver my baby.    Just when I thought I was done crying about this....

I shed my tears.  More than once.   Then I pulled myself together and met Jason and some friends for a quick bite before we saw Interstellar.   The next morning, Jason and I headed for a baby prep-filled day-  a Baby Essentials Class from 9-12 followed immediately by Infant CPR from 12-2.  I was a bit nervous about how I would feel being the only woman in the class who wasn't visibly pregnant, but soon realized we were all just clueless first-time parents learning to swaddle.  After the class we went over to our good friends home to pick up car seats and tons of baby toys that they so graciously passed along to us, dropped off an extra car seat at Jason's mom's house, and went to Buy Buy Baby to get some last minute essentials.   It was an educational, exciting, exhausting day but it helped me shift gears a bit beyond the delivery room and into baby's room.  

Ultimately, I decided that I am going to print out a new copy of the birth preference plan.  I think trashing it might have been a little rash.  I do still think its important that the hospital is aware of our situation.  I will likely make some changes on the new copy involving either asking for the skin-to-skin with the baby following the delayed cord clamping, or removing the delayed cord clamping request all together.  At a physician friend's recommendation, I did some more research on delayed cord clamping and it seems while it is beneficial for premature babies, it is not necessarily beneficial and may even prove harmful (causing dangerously high volume of red blood cells or increased risk of jaundice).  I intend to speak to the OB about this at our next meeting, and also want to express the reasons behind my desire for being the first to have skin-to-skin with the baby.  I am hopeful that together we can come up with a solution that is best for the baby but is also sensitive to our situation.

Oh, and about that baby being IUGR and being under 5lbs at birth? We went to the specialist again on Monday. The doctor confirmed what I had thought all along- there is constitutional IUGR (meaning baby is just constitutionally small) and pathological IUGR (meaning something is wrong with the baby or the womb that is preventing proper growth).  As suspected, he believes our baby is just constitutionally small.   And Baby O had a growth spurt!  He is 5lbs5oz and in the 7th percentile!  NICU SCHMICKU!

Since I had a hard time finding a Gestational Surrogate/Intended Parent Birth Plan to use as a guideline, I'm including my original one here.

ELLEN M (GESTATIONAL SURROGATE) AND JASON AND KERRI ORANSKY (BIOLOGICAL/INTENDED PARENTS) BIRTH PREFERENCE

Attendants: Chris M (Ellen’s husband) Jason and Kerri O (Intended Parents)

OB/GYN: Dr. Ramani, Eagles Landing OBGYN

            Pediatrician: Dr Deneta Sells, Intown Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine

We would like to thank the Piedmont Henry staff in advance for helping us achieve our goal of natural childbirth via gestational carrier!  Ellen M, the gestational surrogate, is carrying a baby boy that was conceived via Kerri O’s egg and Jason O’s sperm.  They are the biological parents of this baby and will be making all medical decisions for him upon birth.  We know this is a unique delivery situation and hope that with this plan we can minimize confusion and have a beautiful birth experience for all involved. Ellen has had four previous natural deliveries and would like to attempt a natural delivery for this baby as well. We are aware that childbirth is unpredictable and are willing to be flexible should Ellen or baby be in danger.  The below preferences have been discussed with Dr.Ramani.  We are aware that many of our preferences differ from the staff’s normal routine, so thank you for your support and understanding!

.

Delivery Preferences:

• We ask your support in assisting us to find the most effective and comfortable position for pushing (gravity-positive), and would ask to avoid directed pushing – allowing Ellen to push when the urge is felt.
• Natural tearing is strongly preferred in lieu of an episiotomy.  Please discuss with us if an

episiotomy is deemed medically necessary.

• Ellen would like to take the crowning stage slowly and requests warm compresses/perineal massage to help avoid any unnecessary tearing.

• We prefer the placenta be delivered naturally.
• To allow for bonding with the biological mother, we would like immediate skin-to-skin contact between Kerri  and the baby.  Please delay all tests for as long as possible.
• Delay cord clamping/cutting until pulsing has stopped, before it is cut by Jason.

Newborn Preferences:

• We do not want our baby to receive the HepB vaccine.
• We are planning an out-of-hospital circumcision procedure.
• If the baby needs to be taken to another area for testing, we request that a parent accompany him at all times.

Emergency Procedures:

• In the event of a C-section, we request that Kerri and Jason remain for the entirety of the surgery and for Kerri and Jason to stay with the baby until the family can be united.  If an additional person is allowed, Ellen would like her husband Chris to be present. If only one person is allowed, Kerri will be the designated person.
• We would like immediate skin-to-skin contact between Kerri and baby as soon as possible following delivery.
• If the baby requires NICU care, we request the right to feed and care for him as much as possible, including the opportunity to provide Kangaroo Care.

It's Almost Time to Go and Meet Your Mom

The other day I came across this song on Twitter.  Boy, did it get me.  Grab your kleenex...

And then yesterday, our little man finally showed his face for Daddy on a 3-D ultrasound. Not just any face either- look what he did for us! We are both so excited to meet this guy!

                                                       

Happy 5th Anniversary!

Today marks five years of marriage for Jason and I.  I honestly feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I am married to a man who makes me laugh Every Single Day, but who also makes me think, makes me grow and always makes me feel loved.   I don't just love my husband- I admire him for his amazing talent as an artist and musician and for his kindness and compassion.  This is a man who still makes time for his Little Brother (from the Big Brother/Big Sister program) , whom he met when his "little" was in 8th grade and who now is 22.  This is a man who regularly keeps in touch with a chronically ill teen that he met briefly at a holiday party, by inviting her for lunch and a tour of his office and planning a pottery-painting date.  For all these reasons and more,  I know he will be an amazing father and I am so blessed to have him as my husband and best friend. 

Admittedly, the first several years of our marriage were not the easiest.  Infertility does a number on a marriage.  The top two reasons most married couples fight are sex and money, and infertility definitely affects both.  Here's a tip- if you ever meet anyone who is struggling to conceive, don't joke with them and say "At least you're having fun trying!".   Infertility sucks the fun out of trying.  Timed intercourse is mechanical, scientific and anything but fun.  As for money- for the past four plus years, all our savings has gone to fertility clinics, hospital bills, attorneys fees, and surrogacy compensation.  We are fortunate that we have had help with some of these bills from family, but we have still stressed out watching our bank accounts get depleted- especially when until this year, it was typically for naught.  

Infertility affected our marriage in other ways.  The sadness and disappointment month after month when we couldn't get pregnant, the anger and defeat when we lost pregnancies, the hopelessness and helplessness that ruled our lives for the better part of our marriage- that certainly has an impact.  Jason and I had to learn to navigate all those feelings, both individually and as a couple.  We both cope differently- Jason often turns inward and wants to be alone to process his feelings.  I, on the other hand, need to talk about my feelings.  In the beginning, Jason would try to be there for me even though it made things harder for him.  In time, I learned to allow him to have his space and would seek support from friends or family.  We slowly figured out a way to meet our own needs while also helping one another. 

In spite of all those issues, I think Jason and I did surprisingly well.  We still managed to enjoy one another and have fun, count our blessings, and grow as individuals and as a couple.  This past year, without the pressure of trying to conceive and of course, with the knowledge that Baby O is on his way, I finally feel like we have been able to experience the happily every after that we imagined we would when we said our vows five years ago.    That weight that I spoke of in my very first post has been gone for about 8 months now and boy does it feel great!  

On our first anniversary, Jason and I celebrated by giving each other the traditional paper gifts.  Interestingly enough, we gave one another similar presents.  I gave Jason several different framed prints from our wedding.  He also gave me some of the same photographs from our wedding, yet he included a poem he wrote on one of them.   It warms my heart to know that FINALLY, after five long years, the dream he wrote about is on its way to becoming a reality.

 

I love you more than words can express Jason! I'm so excited for this next chapter in our lives.   You and me, together, we can do anything, baby! I love you more and more along the way...

Rock-a-bye Baby Shower

Saturday was the most amazing day! It was Baby O's baby shower and it couldn't have been any more perfect.  Eight of my friends co-hosted the shower and I was so impressed by all the special touches they included. We are doing a music themed nursery in gray, aqua and yellow and the hostesses reflected that theme throughout the party.  I started crying right when I walked in...it was just so emotional to FINALLY be having our own baby shower and I just loved all the thought that was put into making it truly special.

I was truly overwhelmed with all the special details and with the love and friendship I felt from all the guests.  Ellen and Chris were there and it was so exciting introducing them to friends and family and letting everyone see Baby O growing inside of Ellen.  Several of my friends cried when they met Ellen, which of course led to tears from both Ellen and I. It was really nice having happy, joyful tears.

Here are some pictures from this amazing day:

               
                     The adorable invitations

 

                   Yummy food and decor

                    Delicious cake

                       "For Those About to Rock (Candy)" sign is just one example                                                                   of the music- themed signs throughout the party.  So creative!

My beautiful hostesses along with Ellen and I. 

             Photo shoot by the tree

 

Ellen's girls always do a signature hip pop in their pics.  It does make for a cuter picture (even with the WTF looks from the guys)

Family photo shoot-  Jason and I with Baby O's aunt, uncle, cousin and YaYa!

 

 Here's a video which captures the emotion of the day- if you watch all the way through you might catch Jason spilling the beans about Baby O's name. (the peanut gallery commenting was one of the hostesses husband's who was watching the Bama game. He provided much needed comic relief when I was having difficulty expressing myself!)