Monday, June 2, 2014

The Current

The evening of the transfer, Jason and I were talking over a glass wine (it was really nice being able to drink wine to help calm the nerves this time around!)  about how great Ellen is and how if we had to go through surrogacy at least we had found an amazing person (well, family) to share the journey with.  Some people have even suggested that maybe that's why we had to go through this- so we could meet someone like her.  Now that's a fine theory, but at the end of the day, we already have a lot of amazing people in our life. We did not have to go through all this heartbreak in order to add one more person (even though she is a super-awesome one!).  Then Jason told me about his own theory on how he believes the universe works. This theory really resonated with me.  He explained it by telling me about how things have unfolded in his life.

Before Jason moved to Atlanta, he "did behavior" as he always likes to call it.  He was working with Severely Emotionally Disturbed kids in a self-contained classroom. At one point, he thought he might make a career of this but then became extremely burnt out.  He was accepted to grad school and was getting ready to pursue a degree in Behavior Analysis when he realized he was miserable. Something just didn't feel right.  He was also in a relationship with a very nice girl, but something didn't feel right there either.  With some guidance from his good friend who Jason taught with, he decided to abandon the teaching field and attempt to pursue a career in graphic design in Atlanta.  He had no experience and no real education in graphic design but he did have a love and talent for drawing. He decided to give himself a year to try to make it in the industry.  Almost immediately, he was introduced to a couple of people who had connections in the field.  Within three months,  one of those led him to a job at Carter's, where he recently celebrated his 10 year anniversary.  Jason couldn't believe how easy the transition to graphic design was, but then realized it must be because graphic design is what he was always supposed to be doing.   Prior to that point, it was like he was swimming upstream. Everything seemed really hard because he was swimming in the wrong direction. Once he figured out what he was meant to be doing, everything fell into place. He was finally swimming with his current.   This theory proved true time and time again, especially when he and I met.  Jason had spent a good bit of time in an unhappy relationship and I hadn't dated anyone seriously in years.  When we met things clicked from the get-go.  Everything seemed easy and right.  We were engaged within six months.  We were in our current.

Jason went on to explain that he believes surrogacy has always been our current- that somehow I was never meant to carry our baby,  only we didn't know it.  So we spent years and years trying to get pregnant and everything was really, really hard.  At one point, an adoption opportunity fell into our lap and we thought maybe that what was how we were meant to have our child.  Until that fell through also.  That wasn't what was supposed to happen either.  Surrogacy was our current, and as soon as we figured that out, things just fell into place. Finding Ellen took us just one month, not the 6-8 months that it often takes to find the right match. Once we decided to move forward, things moved at lightning speed.   Better than all that is the ease in which our relationship with Ellen has flourished.  We couldn't be more compatible.  In fact, sometimes it's even scary how like-minded we are.  There have been countless times when we have texted the exact same thing to one another at the same time.  We may joke and text "Jinx-you owe me a beer!" when this happens, but it never ceases to amaze me.   And it's not just us. Jason and Chris really get along as well. It's just kismet.

Yes, this theory really makes sense to me.   It also helps change my perspective about my inability to maintain a pregnancy...perhaps this is because I was never meant to do so.  Between my uterine septum which necessitated two corrective surgeries,   my history of a DVT which necessitated daily lovenox shots when pregnant and would have meant wearing that awful compression stocking again,  my body's inability to break down folic acid which necessitated a special prenatal vitamin and the elevated NK cells which necessitated steroids and IV infusions to sustain a pregnancy- it's pretty clear that pregnancy for me is swimming against my current.  So in this time of anxiousness when I'm worried that this transfer may not take, I am going to rely on the theory about our current to give me hope.  And I'm going to just keep swimming....

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