Wednesday, June 4, 2014

To Pee or not to Pee

The two week wait (2ww). Well really, 10 day wait.  I have gone through countless 2ww's in the last five years and in short, its pure agony.   You read into every twinge, every "symptom", every "non-symptom".  Am I peeing more?  Am I nauseated?  Do my boobs hurt?  Do things taste funny? After an IVF cycle if you do have symptoms, you can always chalk them up to the progesterone shots that you have to take, as these often mimic the symptoms of pregnancy.  I've been pregnant enough times to know that symptoms mean NOTHING!  Twice when I was pregnant, I had cramping and was certain that it was my period coming (it was actually the embryo attaching itself to my uterus). Twice when I was pregnant I had no cramps.  I had sore boobs when I was pregnant. I also had sore boobs when I wasn't pregnant.  So, analyzing symptoms is crazy-making, a complete waste of time, and yet impossible not to do.

Unless it's not you experiencing the symptoms.  Don't get me wrong, its still crazy-making.  Except now, if you want to know if your surro is experiencing any symptoms, you can't hide your crazy.  I waited until Monday (a whole five days post transfer aka 5dp5dt) until finally I caved and sent this.

I wasn't REALLY asking her after all, so I thought it would be okay. I was very pleased when she sent me an answer to my non-question.  I was also pleased to hear that she was going crazy too!   Pretty early on in our journey I asked her if she is one to POAS (pee on a stick, aka takes a home pregnancy test or HPT).  She said that she was not.  There are really two types of people in the infertility world.  Those who are POAS-aholics,  who test multiple times a day starting just a few days after transfer to see if there are two lines, and then, continue incessantly to see if the lines are getting darker.  There are some girls who post "squinters" for opinions to see if others can see them and even invert the pictures (who even knows how to do that?!?) to try and find two lines that way.  And then there are those who patiently wait until the beta .

In the beginning of our TTC journey, I used to POAS. Not obsessively.  Just towards the end when the waiting got too bad and we felt like it would help to POAS.  However, we quickly realized it wasn't helpful because even if I got a negative, we would psyche ourselves out thinking maybe it was too early.  Several well-intentioned friends would share stories about how they didn't get a positive HPT until they were six weeks pregnant so that would give us false hope.   I will say once I do get the positive beta I become obsessive about testing. I like to make sure the lines are getting darker, meaning the beta is doubling.   However, I've also seen the lines get lighter and that is a sinking feeling if ever there was one.  

Since Ellen said she wasn't one to test,  we agreed to wait for the beta.  I was secretly disappointed but also thought that it would probably be good for me to have someone else helping me exercise patience.

And then I got this message.

She was starting to cave! I know I shouldn't be excited about this but I am. I'm also nervous. As much as I wanted her to test, we have been burned by HPT's in the past.  And I know Jason is not on board with testing prior to the beta.  It's funny, because I completely forgot that I had put a test in the meds bag.  I had one test leftover and knew I wouldn't be using it so figured I would give it to her just in case she changed her mind about not testing.  I felt more sure that the change-her-mind plan might  be working when I got this text later...

Oh my!  Have I created a monster? Do I really want her to test after all? Can I handle knowing the results???  Is it Friday yet?????

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